What Your Choice in (Cheap!) Beer Says About You
You roll up to DJs with $4 in your pocket and feel like you’re on top of the world. Sure it’s a weekday night and you’re unsure whether or not you failed your midterms, but no matter if you aced it or failed it, you definitely deserve a drink. You think you’re safe, scoffing at the boys who dare to order anything that actually tastes good, and opt to take the heaviest, least effective road to drunkenness instead. But what you didn’t know is that your next move means more than you might think. Choose wisely…
1. Natty Light
In case the bouncer didn’t already kick you out for your shitty Connecticut fake, this will definitely seal the deal. Natty tastes like water and smells like rock bottom, but it doesn’t matter because it’s past your bedtime anyway, and you *just* remembered you forgot to study for PSY 205. Better luck next time?
We get it, you only listen to music on vinyl and your hobbies mostly include showing people Pulp Fiction for the first time and asking if they “get it.” What we don’t get is why you’re swirling your beer around like a wine connoisseur and trying to get into deep philosophical discussions with your Uber driver. Get out of my face Brad, it’s a fucking Tuesday.
3. Bud Light
This is the kind of person who says their favorite holiday is the Fourth of July and actually means it. But on the flip side, this is also the kind of person who is truly committed to the game. They’re focused, dependable, and actually capable of blacking out on beer, which we thought was just an urban legend. Their ability to stomach 1200 calories worth of drink is also mildly impressive, which is coincidentally the very best thing anyone has ever said about Bud Light.
4. Miller Lite
The person passing these beers out at the function spent at LEAST five extra seconds picking them out for you, so be grateful. If you’re reaching for Miller Lite yourself, you might actually give a shit about your taste buds, but not enough to buy literally anything other than Miller Lite. Loosen up and take a shot, you know you’re better than this.
If you’re buying Keystone, it’s only because you’re playing beer pong, and we will not be listening to any disagreements. It’s just a great beer to waste, whether you’re teaching your girlfriend how to shotgun for the first time or pouring one out for the boiz. But trust us, no one is actually drinking it and you shouldn’t be the first.
6. Coors Light
This is legitimately the only beer you will never drink lukewarm. We don’t know why, we don’t know how, but we know the person drinking this has access to a refrigerator and needs to check their #privilege. This is also the only person on this list who means it when they say they’re only having one beer and who somehow always end up on South campus after a night out. Sorry, we don’t make the rules.
This one’s for the people who carry their alcoholism into the “real world” and refuse to wear anything that isn’t pastel. They’re also only a little scared to ask their dad who he voted for, but they don’t care too much because being socially liberal and fiscally conservative never hurt anyone, right?
Special shoutout to the one kid that always brings his own imported beer to the function-- we get it, you studied abroad.