The Reason We Can’t Be Beliebers Anymore
graphic by nina bridges
Just in case you didn’t know, Justin Bieber’s 2020 started out with a flop. On January 3rd, he released “Yummy”, his first non-featured single in five years, and we hate to say it, but the song is terrible. What is the song about, you ask? Well, either Hailey Baldwin is a really good cook, or he’s talking about something we don’t need to hear our favorite childhood pop star talk about.
What’s worse is that the song sounds like someone autotuned him reading out a string of text messages that don’t even remotely relate to one another. Apparently it’s a new genre he’s trying out that he calls “R&Bieber”, whatever the hell that means.
More disappointing than the actual song is the way that Justin has been pushing for it to hit #1 on the Billboard charts (which, it didn’t, and we can’t say we’re all that surprised). “Yummy” did manage to reach #2 on the Hot 100, where it remained for just a few days, and has now dropped down to #10. Bieber has been posting all over social media, basically begging fans to stream the song. He’s also selling multiple different versions of the “Yummy” CD, and released seven different music videos for the song (If you’d like to watch one, we at Jerk recommend the official video, it’s by far the strangest, which isn’t saying a lot, and he has pink hair). Despite these acts of desperation, Bieber used the most embarrassing promotional method when he reposted and then deleted a post that a fan created on Instagram. The post gave fans instructions for how to help “Yummy” get more streams, such as creating a playlist of the song and playing it on repeat at an inaudible volume while you’re sleeping. No hate to the fan that originally made the post, there’s nothing wrong with trying to help you favorite artist out; however, Justin reposting it just made him seem all the more desperate.
If you’re a huge Justin Bieber fan, we’d like to apologize. You guys have waited five years for new music. FIVE WHOLE YEARS since he released Purpose in 2015. You have remained a Belieber for five album-less years, just to be given “Yummy,” and honestly, we can’t think of anything worse. And Justin, we’d like to apologize to you too. We know it must be nerve-wracking releasing a song after such a long hiatus, and we understand that it would mean a lot to you if you got a number one hit upon your return. But the song just isn’t good.
With all that being said, just one question remains: have you got that yummy-yum, that yummy-yum, that yummy yummy?