20 Songs Nobody Should Ever Fuck to Under Any Circumstance
graphic by jenny katz
Please don’t fuck to these; we BEG of you.
Baby Shark
This one does not come from me. We’ve heard a terribly cursed story about someone having sex to this song, and while the beat is promising, Pingfong intended for this seminal hit to follow the journey of a shark family, NOT your sex life. When they said “let’s go hunt,” they did NOT mean “let’s go hunt for the G-Spot.”
Editor’s note: it was MY terribly cursed story.
Frosty the Snowman
PLEASE, PLEASE not Frosty. No thank you. This song is strangely descriptive of a snowman, and just hearing it in a department store during Christmastime is weird enough. Hearing it and being turned on at the same time? Simply impossible.
Ring Around the Rosie
This song is literally about a plague. It’s also meant for children. Unless you’re planning on twirling your partner around to a song about death while role-playing as elementary school students, avoid this one at ALL costs.
Baby It’s Cold Outside
WHO LETS THIS SONG STILL EXIST. It’s creepy, predatory, and just straight-up not good. If you listen to this song in 2021 you have a problem. And hot take: the PC remix is honestly not much better.
Sweatshirt by Jacob Sartorius
This song feels like when you plan to hug your crush after school in the cafeteria in middle school. Not only do we never want to think about middle school while we’re doing the ~deed~, but nothing is a bigger turn-off than picturing JACOB SARTORIUS in bed. EW.
WAP
Powerful. Fire. But honestly, Megan and Cardi would get our partners’ hopes up. We don’t go as hard as they do, we will never go as hard as they do--and that’s okay. Also, the overly descriptive lyrics might take away from the ~moment.~
Love Story
Young TS is gorgeous. She is the moment. But she is not ~sexy.~ It seems illegal to be even slightly inappropriate with her precious voice in the background, especially Fearless-era T-Swizzle.
Banana Pancakes by Jack Johnson
This song belongs nowhere other than Sunday mornings at age 8. There is nothing sexual about a banana pancake, and we intend on keeping it as such.
ABC Cafe / Red & Black from Les Miserables
Your energy just can’t compete with the powerful sounds and waving flags of impending revolution. Also, there is no bigger turn-off in this world than musical theatre.
FRIENDS by Marshmello and Anne-Marie
1. This is just a bad song. We really hate it for no reason and will not apologize for it. 2. You can’t friendzone them while literally sleeping with them. That’s just...cruel. Maybe save the friendzoning for after. I mean, still ouch, but slightly less painful than DURING.
Gangnam Style
I’ve gotta admit, the riding motion is enticing. But fifth grade you and the season 4 Glee cast would be SO disgusted.
What Does the Fox Say
Animal noises are NOT the noises we want to hear in bed. Why did we even find this funny? You’ll have this stuck in your head for the rest of the day from just reading the title.
Happiness
Taylor went HARD with this one, it cuts DEEP. There’s no way to ignore the lyrics. We’re kind of sensing a pattern; basically, don’t fuck to Taylor Swift. Sorry girl. We still love you.
Ridin’ Roads
If you’re even considering this one, he’s a country boy. Red flag girly.
Ghost Towns
Kanye went off with this one. It’s too intense to fuck to though. I don’t want to think about being numb to feelings when I’m having sex.
Friday
Well, maybe if it is Friday. Everybody’s looking forward to the weekend.
Editor’s note: this one was me too. And it was THURSDAY. It, of course, came subsequent to Baby Shark.
Before He Cheats
The POWER in this song is honestly sexy. But the only viable sex to THIS song is anger sex, which I guess...if that’s what you’re into?
I Am A God
CLAAAASIC Kanye narcissism. It may be alright for a long-term partner, but you don’t want your fling to think you’re too full of yourself.
Champagne Problems
Do you want to cry? Do you? Yeah, didn’t think so.
Sing
This came to mind because of all those TW: Ed Sheeran TikToks. When we listened to the song, we felt physical pain. Why does he speak the rap? Why did we ever like him? Why did I have to listen to write this?
Anyway, hopefully you and your partner have better taste than the genius who thought it would be a good idea to blast Baby Shark to set the mood. If you need music to drown out the sounds of teenage fornication, we might just point you in the direction of some calm Lana Del Ray.
Check out the playlist here!