Keeping the (Football) Fantasy Alive

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Ah, fall. It’s finally the time where we can shamelessly sip on a pumpkin spice latte, break out the comfy sweaters, and get excited for the upcoming holidays. However, in America, fall is mostly defined by one thing: football. And more specifically, fantasy football– every girl’s nightmare.

You find yourself, every Sunday, surrounded by boys aggressively arguing about obscure players and phrases. Like what on earth is a handcuff? Sounds kinky. So if you, like us, usually have no idea what the fuck is going on, Jerk’s got you. We’ve created the ultimate guide for creating the best fantasy fantasy team. It’s the perfect way to impress any Tinder boy, even if you don’t know (or care) what is going on.

Before the actual fun can begin, there’s the draft. Every “team” (participant) chooses a player each round, with the players organized by general ranking and position. But that way of choosing is just so… boring. When it comes time to pick your players, there are much better ways to go about it. Feel free to mix and match as you please :).

1.     The Matchmaker– Pick the hottest players. Seriously, just do it. Nobody needs to know your strategy, so have some fun with it!

2.     The Artist– Pick the players with the best team colors. Do you like orange? Denver Broncos. Crush’s eyes are baby blue? Miami Dolphins. Limit headaches by making sure your eyes don’t hurt when you look at your roster.

3.     The Mathematician– Pick purely based on numbers. Pick your favorite number, pick your angel number, pick the number that just looks like a winner. It’s beautiful really, the freedom of choice.

4.     The Damsel in Distress– Ask for help! Whoever you’re trying to impress definitely wants to show off their knowledge, whether they know it or not, so let them. “Hmm I can’t decide between x, y, and z… oh hey, what do you think?” Gold mine everytime.

After the draft, all you have to do is click on the players you want “off the bench” each week. This is done by just choosing whoever is going to earn the most points in the given position. If a player gets injured or suspended, you can “add/drop” them, just like a class. The real work you actually care about, impressing whoever dragged you into this, is highlighted by the trash talk and the game talk.

Trash talking is pretty easy. Just remember: you are never wrong. Game talk, however, is a different beast. Don’t fret though, we have some tips for working around the game talk.

1.     Turn on Fantasy notifications! It’s like a club that boys are in. They hear that notification coming from you? Immediately they’ll know you’re the real deal.

2.     Make it personal. Start with football and switch quickly to something else. They suck at ping pong? Tie it in. Terrible taste in movies? Take it there. The farther you can stray from technical talk, the better.

3.     Play hard to get. Keep it cool and pretend to be unbothered, which shouldn’t be hard since you probably are.

            We wish you the best of luck this season, and if you can’t keep the fantasy alive, find someone with a better hobby.