October 1st: Enter the Disappointment of Horror
Graphics by Megan Radakovich
As someone who’s a big horror movie fan (and really, a big movie fan altogether), I tend to have high hopes for a well-advertised movie. Weapons was my most highly anticipated movie of the year. Director Zach Cregger’s previous effort, Barbarian, wasn’t exactly my favorite of all time, but sue me for being excited for something different.
Those who know me personally may call my taste in movies peculiar or picky, but I disagree. Is it so wrong to expect a half-decent horror flick when the trailers were so good?
To subdue my frustration born out of the constant disappointment in the past few months, I have decided to write a step-by-step process on how to make a horror movie that doesn’t suck. As a bonus, I’m also providing a list of what I consider to be stellar horror movies for this spooky season.
Here are the ingredients for a halfway decent movie:
#1: Have intentionally likeable or unlikeable characters.
You may be thinking, “Téa, this is so subjective. How am I to know what a likeable character is?” Easy. Are you hoping the character dies or disappears before the end of the movie so you don’t have to listen to their grating voice or witness their superbly stupid ideas? Yeah, that’s an unlikeable character. This is a relatively common complaint amongst horror movie fans: “The character is just stupid.” A bad horror movie always starts with a character perfectly setting up the scene by doing something no average individual would ever think to do. Will the plot of your movie not happen if this specific character decides not to stay overnight in a haunted house? If the answer is yes, then congratulations, you have written an unlikeable character, and in turn, a bad movie. Either make them intentionally unlikable, or rewrite.
#2: Set the scene properly.
This is most certainly a dig at Weapons and movies like it. Is there background information that is necessary to avoid migraine-inducing plotholes? Should we have some information as to why this “aunt” is unknown to the whole family and why no one (of authority) ever thought to track down the parents of the one kid who did not disappear overnight? If I have to fill in a wide majority of the movie with my own theory, it is a bad movie. I can accept a few mysteries, but the movie is riding on information we never got. I am a senior in college with a difficult major! I have other things to use my brain cells on! Give me a break!
#3: Don’t give everything away in the trailer.
This one should have stars next to it or be bolded in giant cartoon font (I won’t, but I should!). The Conjuring: Last Rites is unfortunately guilty of this. If all trailers together create the whole goddamn movie, then perhaps there is no need to watch it. If I go into a theater and see the same things I saw for free on YouTube or in between reruns of The Big Bang Theory, you'd better expect me to be pissed. There is a good balance between too much information and a totally misleading trailer, so please, figure it out.
#4: Cast people correctly.
I am realizing as I write this that this entire essay was sparked by the fourth Conjuring movie. The acting was great, but the actress playing Ed and Lorraine’s daughter was so clearly British that it took away from the whole movie. Obviously, you can cast whoever, regardless of their accents, but if you can’t mask it well, snobs like me will be annoyed the whole time that the girl supposedly born and raised in Connecticut is very, very British. Casting people correctly and really thinking about how you want these characters to come across is so important, especially in a horror movie where getting attached to the characters is half the point.
As promised, here is my list of movies that do exactly what you want them to:
Horror (scary, potentially nightmare-inducing):
The Conjuring 1 and 2 [2013, 2016]
Annabelle and Annabelle Creation [2014, 2017]
Talk to Me [2022]
Insidious [2010, 2013] (I have only seen the first two, but they were fabulous)
Hereditary [2018] (be warned: if you are grieving someone, do NOT watch this movie)
Heretic [2024] (not so scary, but incredible)
Midsommar [2019] (very gory, not my thing, but well-loved in the horror community)
Texas Chainsaw Massacre [1974] (the original)
The Exorcist [1973]
The Shining [1980] (again, not my thing, but well-loved)
IT [2017] (not the second one)
Slasher (think horror movie, but more fun and less terrifying):
Scream (all of them, don’t come for me)
Friday the 13th [1980]
Nightmare on Elm Street [1984]
Halloween [1978]
Fun Halloween Movies
A Nightmare Before Christmas (Tim Burton said it was a Halloween movie, so it’s a Halloween movie)
Hocus Pocus (obviously)
Beetlejuice
The Addams Family (all of them)
And finally, if you need to calm down after one of the horror movies, I highly recommend It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown.
Happy Halloween, and please, write better movies.