Why Do My Friends Hate Me?

Graphics by Alexa Lakeman

The worst breakup, in my opinion, is with your best friend. Nothing can prepare anyone for that kind of loss. Imagine, or in some cases, you might not even have to, becoming friends with someone who gets you like nobody else. You go through everything together: deep conversations, secrets only between the two of you, tears, laughter, and everything in between. You have countless sleepovers, go on family vacations with each other, and love each other like siblings. There is no you without them, or so you think. Sometimes friends grow apart… but this time it isn’t like that. The drift is one-sided and unbeknownst to you at all. What do you do then?

There can be subtle signs, like realizing you haven’t hung out or called or texted in a while. So, you reach out to them:

“Hey is everything ok? I feel like we haven’t talked in a while.”

“yea I’m ok”

“Do you wanna call?”

“can’t im busy”

Your heart drops. They aren’t busy; they posted on their Snapchat story four minutes ago saying that they’re bored and have nothing to do. It’s a Saturday during winter break, they can’t be busy. Why would they say that? Do they hate me? Did I do something wrong? What did I do wrong? Your mind starts to spiral with anything you could have possibly done or said to hurt them or make them ignore you and nothing comes to mind.

“Did I do something wrong?”

*read*

If this is the situation, is it your fault? The simple answer would be no. People not only drift away from their friends, but they also drift away from themselves. Something might be going on with their family life that they choose not to share with you, maybe they are going through some medical issues that they want to keep private. In any circumstance, you didn’t do anything wrong, but they chose to take their hardships out on you instead of letting you in or having you as a safe space. I am not excusing the actions of people who ignore their best friends when no harm has been done, but the hard truth is that sometimes you can’t do anything about it.

The main message I want to get across is this: you are not alone. I have gone through countless friendship breakups and friend group divides, and even when I know I didn’t do anything to make them act the way they did, I chose to blame myself. Since it kept happening over and over again, I felt solely responsible for finding myself in situations that cause me pain and emotional damage. To this day, I take a step back before getting too close to someone because I am afraid they are going to hurt me just like the others. How will I know the same thing won’t happen again? There is no direct answer to this question, but thanks to my own experiences, I can impart to you some tips to avoid falling into those situations again:

Trust yourself before you trust others: You will never know the full extent of what is going on in someone’s life. The best thing you can do for yourself is to make sure you feel safe with this person and know your own boundaries.

Don’t push it: It’s hard not to reach out to someone when you feel like they’ve been ignoring you. If you have reached out and feel like their response is dry or there is no response at all, don’t double-text or try to call. It’s clear they need space, and if they don’t end up reaching back out to you, they may be at a different level in life when you aren’t their biggest priority anymore.

Breathe: These situations are tough and, blatantly speaking, they suck. If friendship is the biggest contender of stress in your life, constantly trying to fix it when the drift is one-sided will only add to it. It is going to be okay. Just breathe.

The most important lesson I have learned from my experience with friendship breakups is that everything will work out how it's supposed to. It may not seem like it during the times you cry yourself to sleep and your mom has to come into your room and make sure you won’t harm yourself over it, but some things just can’t be put back together. It is okay to cry and to feel angry, frustrated, or maybe even relieved. You will find your people. Having a best friend or best friends doesn’t mean you have to know them for over ten years; it just means having someone who cares for you and loves you just as much as you do for them. Don’t stress. Take a deep breath. Trust me, it'll all be fine.