Let’s Talk About the Swag Gap Relationship
Graphics by Téa Sklar
With cuffing season in full swing, we need to talk: beware the swag gap relationship.
At first, we may look at it as a funny meme: targeting differences in outfit choices. That’s fun! With the ridiculously entertaining ship of Rodrick Heffley and Regina George trending on TikTok–two vastly different characters, one being a loser in a band and one being the queen bee of her high school— it’s clear we love relationships between partners with different physical aesthetics.
But what’s the real problem? It’s about deeper gaps in education, values, passion, even in how your partner treats others. Maybe you’re the one chasing goals, and he is chasing another nap. Maybe you sparkle when you walk into rooms, and all he does is tell you to “chill.” (Even typing out “chill” made me gag.)
This is not about differences in extroversion or introversion. There’s a fine line between embracing and erasing differences. A swag gap is when your partner wants you to “de-swag” in order to fit their boring little mold. Do not let your partner dull your sparkle! When one partner is consistently the “swagless” partner, it slowly eats away the confidence of the partner with “swag.” What started as a playful TikTok term is starting to spark real conversations about self-image, attraction and power dynamics in dating, all rooted in the constant comparisons between yourself and your partner.
A 2021 study in PLOS One following approximately 1,100 young couples found that a partner with low self-esteem can make the couple as a whole more susceptible to conflict, with repeated conflicts only sinking self-esteem further. When one person constantly wants to drag their partner down, the whole relationship feels heavier.
We all have seen this dynamic play out both in real life and in our favorite movies. Andrea and Nate’s relationship in The Devil Wears Prada is the epitome of the swag gap. Andy Sachs starts thriving at Runway Magazine, discovering confidence she never knew she had. Instead of being a supportive boyfriend, Nate responds like she is personally attacking him and his identity for leveling up. "He mocks her for her new interest in fashion, he trivializes the magazine she works at, and dismisses her hard work", Entertainment Weekly wrote in 2017.
Nate’s real problem was not that Andy changed–it was the fact that she was growing and he was not. He wanted Andy to shrink herself and her career so he could stay comfortable. That is the swag gap: when someone would rather dull their partner’s sparkle rather than work on themselves.
That is where it gets dangerous: A partner threatened by your success can make you feel guilty for having goals. Just like Nate romanticized the old Andy–telling her she became the shallow, egotistical woman she once ridiculed–a swagless partner will romanticize the “old you,” a version easier to overshadow.
When endless comparison leads to competition, the relationship stops being a team and starts being a trap. Choose a partner who hypes you up for who you are, rather than one who resents you for who you are. Cuffing season or not, life’s way too short for swagless partners.