A Message For Melania Trump

Graphics by Vecteezy

Dear Melania Trump,

Famous female killer Giulia Tofana lived in Italy in the early 1600s when divorce was not an option for women in abusive marriages. Because it was so long ago, there are very few records, but it is believed that she ran a poison ring in Italy to offer women an escape from abusive or “inconvenient” spouses (I’m sure you know all about inconvenient spouses). Her involvement is not completely confirmed, but we do know that Gironima Spana, Giulia Tofana’s likely stepdaughter, was confirmed to be involved in a poison ring. 

Gironima Spana was born in Sicily. With her mother at her side, she learned how to make and distribute poison– called aqua tofana– to make women widows, and therefore, free from their husbands. After her mother’s death in 1651, Gironima became the CEO of this little poison ring. While Gironima’s mother, Giulia, was never caught, Gironima Spana was named as a poisoner, likely from one of her own customers. While she denied all accusations, even denying them to a priest, she eventually confessed on June 20, saying, “I’ve given this liquid to more people than I’ve got hairs on my head.” She and at least four other women were executed in Rome on July 5, 1659. 

The poison they used was aqua tofana. It was effective because it was completely undetectable by those ingesting it and any doctors. It included arsenic and belladonna (nightshade berries). 

The poison ring instructed their clients to dose their husbands with a few drops at every meal, which would create a slow and seemingly natural death. It started with stomach cramps and vomiting, which made doctors believe it was a natural disease, raising no red flags. 

A more modern example of poisoning would be the Staudte family murders, more commonly recognized as “The Antifreeze Murders.” Diane Staudte used antifreeze to poison her husband, son, and attempt to poison her daughter, all claiming that the rationale for murdering her family was because they were “burdens.” While I can understand a woman in need of escape from an incredibly abusive husband, thinking poison is her only viable option, I cannot understand wanting to murder your entire family because they bother you. 

Regardless, poisoning is and was a viable option for taking out anyone, but especially abusive or inconvenient spouses. Whether it’s aqua tofana or antifreeze, the most effective poison is one that is undetectable. While that is practically impossible with our current scientific and technological advancements, I think both the country and God would forgive you. Not that we’re seriously suggesting anything…..of course not ;)