Graphic by Annie Smith
I’m called a “bitch” a lot. Not just by the guys that I give nasty looks to when they try to feel up my friends, but also in general conversation with peers. Unsurprisingly, it hits harder when one of my guy friends says something like that. I know they are just matching the energy, but I still get violently defensive.
I’ve started paying more attention to the insults people throw around—calling someone a “whore” for not being able to follow through on plans, or a “son of a bitch” for calling you out. Think of a few yourself, and you’ll come to realise you can count the number of male-specific insults on one hand. Meanwhile, the world's slander thesaurus relies on disparaging women.
In her book Wordslut: A Feminist Guide to Taking Back the English Language, linguist Amanda Montell explains many of these derogatory terms started as common words and were later used to demean women. For example, “bitch” originates from an Old English word for “female dog”—because of course it can’t apply to males too. Around the 13th century, people started to use the word to describe promiscuous women, since devolving to signify an unpleasant woman or the act of complaining extensively.
Luckily, there’s no shortage of alternatives to these misogynistic terms that are a little more sensible and a whole lot more entertaining.
In the spirit of keeping our insults inclusive, here are a few replacements for your next verbal takedown.
1. Asshole
A classic. Most people have one. It’s ghastly. It’s unsanitary. But above all, it is equitable. That is why it makes for such a perfect insult.
2. Fool
Think of the last time you screamed at someone and called them a fool. This substitute is honestly the most wide-ranging of the bunch. You can call someone or something foolish, which makes you sound like a true intellectual.
3. Sneckup
I’ve looked at a lot of different terms for this selection, and Shakespearean insults are always recommended. “Sneckup” is Syracuse University English Professor Dympna Callaghan’s favorite. When asked, she laughed and then eerily deadpanned, providing a term that translates to “fuck off.” I prefer this term over its modern translation, since something as magical as sex, or “fuck,” shouldn’t be reduced to a way of telling someone to go away.
4. Blockhead
The Peanuts characters were onto something with this one. Why call someone a word that originates in misogyny when you could revert to childhood insults that cut deep into your self-conscious soul? I would specifically like to hear this during the inevitable, and very public, breakup in Bird Library.
5. Jerk
Of course, the list wouldn’t be complete without this stunning word. There is a certain power in having the option to use a vulgar term, but instead using a candid, clean word like this. Just be sure not to mix up jerk with Jerk.
Remember, think before you speak, even when you’re sifting through your vocabulary for a word that might weigh on someone’s consciousness. They probably deserve it, but you don’t have to contribute to cultural misogyny in the process.