Photo by Alex Rice
If you saw Syracuse University senior Frances Brown in Bird Library during her freshman year, she wasn’t looking to study. Brown was wandering wistfully, hoping to catch a conversation with a boy that ghosted her. This didn’t go on for long. Brown’s roommates were concerned. They hosted intervention-like conversations, worried about her newfound “hyperfixation.” But if a guy were to do something similar, there would be no problems. He’d be yearning, and subsequently earning.
As far as yearning is concerned, we have encountered a nasty, gendered double standard. In media and the dating scene, men’s capacity to yearn is regarded as attractive and is validated. When women do the same, they are seen as desperate, emotional, needy or just insane—it’s complete bullshit.
Yearning is that stomach-churning feeling of waiting endlessly for a love that may never come. It is a natural, and mostly unavoidable, part of human life. We’ve all been there.
Laura Machia, an SU psychology professor and associate dean, believes that yearning stems from infancy.
“When you’re a baby, you are fully dependent on other people for your basic needs,” Machia said. “Through this, you learn whether people are reliable to help meet your needs when you are vulnerable. When navigating adult relationships and romances, it awakens that same internal working model.”
When it comes to working through our emotions, some experience a physical reaction to “Waiting Room” by Phoebe Bridgers. Some focus their affections on themselves, prioritizing care and self-growth. Some get blackout drunk every weekend and hook up with the first person they make eye contact with. All of these approaches are common and understandable. But often, some are seen as more “feminine” and others as “masculine.”
“When a man exhibits a traditionally feminine quality, in this case anxious attachment, there are times where that is desirable because that is them showing vulnerability and overcoming masculine boundaries,” Machia said. “When women do it, it’s something we expect and subsequently undervalue.”
Women are notoriously stereotyped as “too emotional,” hence Machia labeling traditional female yearning as a symptom of anxious attachment. Pairing this assumption with the act of pining over someone creates an absolute field day for those who look down on female emotion. It is not uncommon for women to be rejected, belittled or deemed obsessive for wanting an intimate connection. SU freshman Colby Sarsfield is all too familiar with this mindset coming from his male friends.
“A lot of friends in my life have wanted a woman to perfectly toe the line of being open but not too open, without ever trying to explain that to them,” Sarsfield said.
It’s a constant balance between being perceived as attractive and compelling, but not so much so that you’re “easy” or desperate. Too much emotional attachment, within this realm, is just plain pathetic. Pretty fucking stupid, right? Brown has developed a love-hate relationship with her yearning and its results.
“My yearning is definitely noticeable, but it’s never really been successful. I never get the guy. I kinda [make] a fool of myself and I wish I didn’t do that,” Brown said.
The negative perception of female emotions is not confined to in-person interaction. It is also subtly demonstrated within the media we consume. Extreme cases of what can be identified as yearning are painted into horror stories. We’ve all heard of the infamous “crazy ex-girlfriend” trope.
Entire industries are formed from pathologizing female distress, anger and want. According to cultural mass media, these emotions are something to be feared. This is apparent in Curry Barker’s movie Obsession where the villain is the most terrifying thing of all: a woman obsessed and pining for a man!
Nikki, the film’s “antagonist” is clingy, infatuated and willing to do anything for her partner. Nikki’s portrayal of obsession is our understanding of yearning taken to the supernatural extreme. Audience members are so occupied with Nikki’s “insanity” that they ignore the intended meaning of the movie: the horrors of losing autonomy.
In the same breath, pop culture is quick to idolize men portraying the same “feminine,” or anxious attachment tendency. “Bring back men who yearn” and “men who yearn, earn” are banalities in TikTok comment sections.
In this realm, there will always be a stupid boy with floppy hair waiting in the rain to profess his love to the protagonist. Characters like Conrad Fisher and Theodore “Laurie” Laurence are crowned as romantic heroes, yet their love interests are antagonized. Men portrayed in this light have set a new standard for romance.
“I would definitely say that men like Conrad Fisher, who constantly put their love interest first, give so many ideas to young women about their dream man. I mean, they definitely have for me,” Brown said.
That isn’t to say it’s wrong to want these things. After all, we’d be hypocrites if we didn’t admit being the subject of pining with a steamy confession wasn’t on our bucket list. However, this focus on yearning and who gets to yearn without stigma is a larger symptom of what our culture is lacking: a clear, unadulterated way of processing the emotions that go into loving someone.
Yearning is bittersweet. It is a treasure to love so ardently, yet it’s also an emotionally exhausting process where many begin to question if they are worthy of admiration.
This leads many to see yearning as something to be avoided, pushing the “girl, stand the fuck up” mindset. It’s even led to friends of yearners staging intervention-like conversations, hoping to get their friend to move forward as if they’ve been infected with a lovesick disease.
“I will have friends that will be supportive and friends who are not. It’s more that the friends who are not supportive care so much about me and want me to stand up for myself, and then my friends who encourage it are kinda just a little delusional like me,” Brown said.
It’s okay to yearn. It’s okay to move on. But what we will not do is idolize men for doing something while we belittle women for doing the same. Everyone, regardless of gender, seeks to fulfill their needs and handles their emotions in different ways. Let’s be kind to everyone in their emotional states, and maybe hug our friends that yearn a little tighter.
“If someone looks at me and asks, ‘why do you want them so badly?” Sarsfield said, “I’ll say, ‘because I think having those emotions of want is a beautiful thing.’”