Drag Queens Aren’t Going to Touch Your Kids, the President Will
Graphic by Emma Novy
So… y’all ever heard of this guy called Donald Trump? Well, he’s a terrible, awful, disgusting, vile, misogynistic, homophobic, ableist, loser piece of shit. And he’s also the President of the United States.
As you can clearly tell, I’m a huge fan of him. But sometimes my boy Don-Don will do some no-good things with some nefarious people, like his one friend, Jeff.
Jeff owns an island, and it’s been in the news as of late. I don’t know if you’ve seen it. He was a real big fan of kids, hitting women, and doing absolutely stomach-churning shit. Well, ol’ Don-Don spent some time with Jeff on this island and did a lot of those things, too. But people aren’t worried about that. No, they’re worried about drag queen story times.
Men wearing a sickening eyeshadow look is apparently threatening democracy. I thought it would for sure be the fact that our President’s face is in the news for his liking of children, but I guess that’s not a problem right now? No, we should definitely focus on some of the funniest people God has churned out in the past decade, “touching your kids”.
These people know that whenever RuPaul’s Drag Race comes on, they can turn the channel, right? Like, Trixie Mattel isn’t going to be sitting in your home with a sniper trained on you if your finger even hovers over the channel button. Maybe she will, I don’t know, I feel that was a bad example. She would be the one to break into your house.
But these glorious divas aren’t going to kill you. Shit, none of them want kids to RAISE, why would they want them in any other iteration of life? They’re too busy going to clubs, living life, having fun, and being iconic. They couldn't give two shits about your kid who can’t read. Get that little bastard a tutor, stop worrying about the fact that these men are so beautiful that they could take your husband AND can do their makeup better than you on their worst day, and move on with your life.
For Christ’s sake, haven’t you all put queer people as a category through enough? Leave us alone for forty seconds. All we’re tryna do is have fun and party with each other in our plethora of good vibes. I’d be mad if I were as chopped as you guys are, too, but that’s not my fault. Maybe get more lip filler. That will make your men love you more, Kristi Noem and Karoline Leavitt! Keep your ginormous heads up, queens!