To Dissatisfy the Love Languages
Graphic by Téa Sklar
When I first started spending long periods of time with my boyfriend, I tried to show my affection in a plethora of different ways. Be it a gift from a farmer’s market, a hug while he did the dishes or complimenting his outfits, I tried to find that sweet spot where he really felt loved and appreciated.
He always surprises me with flowers, even though I can never keep them alive. I never know how much water they need or the science behind plant food. But he keeps buying them and I keep loving it. Even when I forgot a vase of flowers in my car in negative degree weather, resulting in the flowers freezing in a block of ice. I still let those wilted plants sit on my coffee table.
My boyfriend is in love with so many different things, but he can hate them at the same time. Sometimes he wants to hold hands and other times he wants his space. There are moments where he loves when I cook him dinner, but then he feels bad because of all the work I put into it.
By identifying my boyfriend’s love language, I thought I’d be able to master our relationship and win the title of world’s best girlfriend. In a cloud of frustration, I couldn’t pinpoint what this man really liked or despised.
Who Invented this Junk?
The theory of the five love languages was developed by Baptist pastor Dr. Gary Chapman. He hypothesized that people express their love in acts of service, words of affirmation, quality time, physical touch or gift-giving. Using his work as a marriage counselor, he conceived the theory that each person receives and expresses love differently. By identifying your own love language, you are able to strengthen your relationship.
Labeled as nothing more than a myth, some psychologists critiqued the theory for being “too rigid” and focused on viewing your partner through a particular lens. Seeing that Chapman was not a doctor of psychology, but a doctor of adult education, the skeptics might be onto something. There is no scientific backing to love languages.
In a 2017 study, 67 heterosexual couples were assessed on love language preference, self-regulation and relationship satisfaction. Results showed that there was limited evidence to suggest that love language alignment results in relationship satisfaction.
A 2024 study also found that people’s satisfaction with their partner’s love language behavior didn’t predict relationship satisfaction or perceived love better than the lower-ranked love languages.
All in all, love languages don’t exist. Consider them a fairytale.
A Professional Take
But as the theory grew in popularity, people began to try and discover their love language in the same way they tried to figure out what Hogwarts house they belonged to. Someone discovering that their love language was “words of affirmation” became more superficial than attributing all their faults to being a Pisces. Surely a simple online quiz would reveal everything a person needs to know about their emotional and relationship values.
Working as a dating coach and founder of The City of Dating, Stevie Bowen has experienced her own fair share of relationship hiccups and revelations. Now working with clients, she helps with teaching people how to build their own dating narrative.
But for love languages to enter the picture, Bowen said she doesn’t use them in her coaching practice. To her, people shouldn’t live their dating lives through a love language or write someone off because they didn’t express a desired love language.
However, some people tend to lead their lives based on whatever love language Buzzfeed spits out at them. “I think it’s easier to simplify dating and relationships because they’re so complex,” Bowen said. “There’s a lot of things we’re still learning about them. But to the everyday person and the way that we take in information, it’s just an easier thing to latch onto and reference ourselves.”
Making Love Work
To discover what makes you happy in a relationship, the most important things are communication and self-reflection. Your so-called “love language” is simply different needs that you desire. Bowen said that people in the dating scene should reflect on past relationships and what felt good about it. What felt good to you as an individual. She said to draw inspiration from friendships as well.
Communicating with a partner is needed when hunkering down in a relationship. Build up confidence and stand your ground in what you’re looking for. “I always go back to ‘you’, the individual,” Bowen said. “What’s your ‘why’ and your ‘why’ is for you to be loved better and also give your partner an opportunity to show up for you, which is what builds trust and foundation.”
Bowen said to reference moments in your relationship that you either enjoyed or didn’t enjoy. Compromise is where you are able to figure out what both you and your partner want. Knowing your mythical love language isn’t key to a healthy relationship. Putting yourself in a box, labeling it and identifying as that for the rest of your life only stunts growth and holds you back from other possibilities. Immediately ditching a partner for not sharing the same made-up love language as you only prevents you from building communication skills and could ruin something potentially good.
A Mythical Barrier
Over time, I realized that my boyfriend’s “love language” isn’t bound to one particular thing, and neither is my own. I don’t need to spend hours trying to decipher his wants. We enjoy silent confirmation, the experience of stillness and simply being next to each other.
Although I murder my boyfriend’s flowery gifts, a generous act of service, I still love receiving them. I don’t have my own love language, I enjoy the very nature of a simple thought. Nothing has to be a grand gesture. Focusing too much on one love language only creates barriers.
We both enjoy the ultimate act of each other.