A Slot Machine that Pays in Drinks
By Shea Garner and Sam Morrison
Alcohol and gambling have gone hand-in-hand ever since the first Neanderthal bet his buddy that he couldn’t do a flaming shot (right after the invention of fire, of course). Now, they go together like peanut butter and jelly, like Uggs and Northfaces, or like Newhouse students and narcissism.
Casinos have been fueling the uncontrollable urges of society’s finest for years, accompanied by the loosening effects of alcoholic beverages. Why do you think there’s a two-drink minimum at some casinos? Why else would they offer free drinks at others? Booze and slot machines have the same effect on the common man as cocaine and hookers have on Charlie Sheen. They all lead to winning.
This logic might have brought about one of the best ideas ever: BarBot, an innovative product that marries the two best vices in human history, drinking and gambling. It’s a slot machine that pays in drinks. The marriage ceremony is super sloppy, and the reception even worse. Here’s the basic idea: you play slots, but instead of winning money, the payout is mixed drinks, and then the cycle starts. You win some drinks, so you drink them. Tipsy, you insert more money into the machine. You continue to win drinks, so you continue to play! The cycle only ends when you black out and topple onto the 80-year-old lady next to you, knocking over her cup of nickels.
One can only hope that other inventors will follow suit and begin to create other products that pair two vices for easier accessibility. In hopes of seeing other products as ground-breaking as the BarBot, JERK offers a few suggestions:
Condoms and Cigarettes. Not much eases post-coital pillow talk like a nice smoke. Why not include a pair of cigarettes with every condom? Nothing says you care more than safe sex and lung cancer.
Red Cups with Mixers. Imagine if every Solo cup came with a packet of mixer at the bottom. (New viral marketing slogan: “just add vodka.”) Cherry Kool-Aid easily beats Tops-brand cranberry juice.
Visine and Insomnia Cookies. The munchies can usually be cured with a visit from the Insomnia deliveryman. But if you’re tired of your roommate calling you out for being high at 2 a.m. on a Saturday, the inclusion of some Visine with every purchase could help solve your problem.