G-Spot of Armory Square

G-Spot of Armory Square
By Greg Miller
Illustration by Alexander Franke

Looking to get off without that awkward morning after? Let me introduce you to Syracuse’s own personal masturbatory paradise. This chocolate shop is called Sweet on Chocolate, and I dare say, it’s borderline amazing.

Walk into this little family-owned confectionary store in Armory Square and your nostrils will instantly rejoice. We’re talking rows and rows of dipped chocolates just waiting to add inches to your waistline. The display cabinets are teeming with a plethora of mini-orgasms eager to blow your mind.

You are bound to be a little overwhelmed by the smorgasbord of options. Your best bet is to let one of the shop’s enthusiastic employees assist you in your selection. When I asked what to get, the assistant store manager, Tina Orlando, gave me one of those white-boy-don’t-you-know-anything looks. “They are all made here,” she said. “They are all good.”

She’s not lying. According to Orlando, Sweet on Chocolate buys “the highest grade of chocolate you will find in Syracuse,” and then adds its own delightfully authentic ingredients. All fruit fillings, real preserves. And what about those champagne truffles my eyes are instantly drawn to? 100 percent real liquor.

So what to get? The most popular items are the milk-chocolate-covered strawberries the size of J. Lo’s ass, followed closely by their dark-chocolate counterparts. The shop is also famous for its chocolate-covered potato chips, if you are looking for something a little more unique. Think chocolate-covered pretzels —- only 30 times more mouth-watering.

All this cocoa is fine and dandy, but perhaps you’re still worried about caloric gorging. Praise your creator because recent studies have shown that small servings of dark chocolate are healthy for your heart (emphasis on small). So choose some dark chocolate, indulge your taste buds, and claim to be helping your favorite organ. Suck on that, Jenny Craig!