Sexually Tense Friendships: Unpacking "Platonic"
photo courtesy of pexels / trinity kubassek
One and a half Whiteclaws and three months of non-voluntary abstinence in, and just like that, you’re hit with a stream of consciousness, unlike anything you’ve experienced before: You’re wondering what your actually-sort-of-your-type-when-you-really-think-about-it friend is like in bed. Like the main characters on any sitcom about a quirky, dysfunctional white friend group, Sexually Tense Friendships -- a term we so lovingly coined upon trying to find the words to describe this phenomenon -- is not just a completely normal part of the college experience, but dare we say, an inevitability.
The not-so-platonic platonic relationship, or STF, is a slippery slope based on the laws of attraction. It can actually be boiled down to a science. We tend to gravitate towards friends for the same reasons we gravitate towards potential mates. If we’re seeking out a certain type of companionship, there’s bound to be some crossover between friends and people who have seen that black lace thong. Something called the propinquity effect dictates that the more we are exposed to a stimulus, the more inclined we are to grow to like it over time. This in tandem with the mere exposure effect, which is simply boiled down to having stuff in common, further demonstrates the natural human urge to (how shall we put it delicately) bang your friends. We’re like freaking ticking time bombs.
The trouble with meeting someone who finds your emotional G-Spot is that sometimes you wind up either becoming friends with someone you hooked up with or hooking up with someone you became friends with years ago. Suddenly, you’re staring at yourself in an un-Windexed mirror after trying to give the gluck-gluck 9000 to someone who knows how many times a day you poop, and you’re like...what the hell am I doing?
Here’s how you can tell if you’re “like totally platonic” or if you’re stuck in an STF:
If you can never seem to hug them normally, that’s probably a vital sign that you’re bordering on an STF. Be honest with yourself-- are your hugs and awkward shoulder pat or a literal public grind session as opposed to a simple embrace?
Monitor your drunk behavior. If you’re drinking with your friends and find yourself making eyes at them or jerking your body at them full force whenever the Uber makes a sharp turn, you might be in trouble.
Lastly, there are bound to be friendly conversations about sexual preference. If these conversations make you squirm on your Bed Bath & Beyond ottoman from either arousal, discomfort, or a little bit of both… (our favorite!) as Demi Lovato once said...let’s ruin the friendship.
The thing about physical attraction is that it never really goes away, especially not when they’re in your immediate sightline six days a week. We’re in college, and our bodies are a dumpster fire of hormones, blue razz Svedka, and Ernie Davis tofu nuggets; we’re bound to hit a breaking point. I’d argue that the only way to actively break ~sexual tension~ is to literally just have sex.
Don’t get us wrong - knowing that someone has seen you naked is the PUREST form of friendship. But after a night of getting to know each other on a deeper level and then telling them to go to a, well, DEEPER LEVEL, did you just screw up your entire situation (ha)? Or was it always a Sexually Tense Friendship?
Guys, let’s normalize the not-so-platonic! IF YOU WANNA FUCK YOUR FRIENDS, FUCK YOUR FUCKING FRIENDS. Tehe.