B.I.P. But Make It SU
Graphic by Anika Dua
This season’s contestants on Bachelor in Paradise have us swooning, booing, and everything in between. Like many reality TV shows, fans become attached to their favorites, treating them as if they were in the same math class together. Well, Jerk thought about it: imagine if the contestants of this season of B.I.P. were SU students. What would they do? Who would they be? Well, look no further. Here is where we’d peg each B.I.P. contestant to fit into ‘Cuse.
Brendan Morais: The hot guy in your Zoom class
Sexy but probably does the bare minimum and gets away with it because he’s good looking. Doesn’t pay attention because he knows he doesn’t have to — anyone would love the chance to give him their notes.
Connor Brennan: The “old soul”
Uses a tote backpack and bikes everywhere. Would definitely complain that the DJ at Lucy’s isn’t playing any “oldies” and would unsolicitedly flex that he knows the chords to Wonderwall at a party.
Deandra Kanu: The girl group’s social plug
A natural social butterfly and everyone loves her. She knows where all the parties are, and she gets all her roommates out of their beds and their mid-semester slumps. Deandra had her girls’ backs on the show, and she would have her friends’ backs at Cuse finessing the best parties.
Ivan Hall: The guy who is constantly going to office hours
Ivan might pretend to act all tough and macho and know what he’s doing if anyone asks, but he’s actually just a guy who is lost and confused. Maybe if he studied more instead of playing NBA 2K, he wouldn’t have a C in the class. Sorry, he can’t get lunch, he has office hours for PHI 107.
James Bonsall: The student-athlete that never comes to class
James would be on some SU sports team and therefore only attend class a handful of times, so his peers end up forgetting he exists until he reappears in EAR 101 once a month. Cue the TikTok sound, “Wh- what was that…? Okay… James…”
Jessenia Cruz: Hot T.A.
Hot in a girl-next-door type of way. Independent and girl-boss-y, but earnest and wants the best for everyone. Everyone secretly is into her but they don’t feel worthy because she’s too powerful.
Joe Amabile: Otto
If Joe Amabile isn’t Otto, we don’t know who is. So likeable and sweet. Almost a pick-me boy but is too damn nice to merit any negative feelings. Comedic relief and also the main character in everyone’s plot.
Karl Smith: Water boy for the SU football team
Just happy to be there.
Kenny Braasch: Resident of The Marshall
Insists that The Marshall is the best place to live, but secretly feels left out because he’s so far away from all of his friends living on Ostrom. Constantly posts his sunset views of campus on his story in an effort to make others jealous, then proceeds to make the trek to Sumner for the house party his friends are going to.
Mari Pepin-Solis: XO Taco social media manager
It’s not a secret that Mari loves tacos… Do we really need to explain this one?
Natasha Parker: Barnes Center yoga teacher
Natasha is a certified meditation teacher, and you know she would be all over those Barnes fitness classes. Not only would her class teach you all about yoga and how to center your breathing, but she would also give step-by-step instructions on how to respond calmly to men who try to play you *cough cough, wink wink: Brendan.*
Noah Erb: Electric skateboarder
Noah would be the guy that always rides his motorized skateboard to class. Every person walking jumps out of his way when he zooms by, clocking 30 while checking his grades on his phone.
Riley Christian: Male in Women and Gender Studies
You KNOW this man gives head like it’s his career. And you KNOW he gets bitches because you wish you were one of them. Sexy: Check. A feminist: Check. In touch with his emotions and demons: Check. Truly, the perfect man.
Serena Pitt: Syracuse Cheer
She’s just so damn peppy and likeable you almost hate her for it, but she hasn’t done anything wrong so you just have to admire her from afar and be jealous. Just belongs with Otto, a.k.a. Joe (see above).
Tahzjuan Hawkins: Californians
Tahzjuan is the inverse of those kids who arrive at Syracuse from SoCal and constantly bitch about the cold as if it isn’t the school’s primary personality trait. Tahzjuan showed up to a tropical island and was surprised that it was hot. Like, check the weather app, girly.
Tré Cooper: The one who's always getting CoreLife
Tre Cooper is the kid that will stand in that insanely long line for CoreLife Eatery any day of the week. Like his Steak Bacon & Blue salad, he is the only high-quality product in the area. Healthy and delicious.
Victoria Larson: That girl across the hall from you who always complains about being tired but then proceeds to go out every night of the week
Girl, we all know that the reason you’re failing CAS 101 is by no means the fault of your professor, stop trying to pin this one on him.
Thomas Jacobs: Barnes bench monopolist
Thomas would be that guy at the gym that posts up on a bench at Barnes for an hour just to do three reps with weights that weigh more than you do. Occasionally you see him take a mirror selfie and mass-send it to every girl on his Snapchat.
Whether or not you totally agree with our assessment, SU has a place for everyone, even the contestants on Bachelor in Paradise. And, if we know one thing for certain, it’s that Joe is getting invited to every single party. If he ever is gracious enough to bless our campus with his presence. We can only dream.