Cunnilingus University

graphic by sophie sternkopf

Cunnilingus is one of the great sexual taboos of our generation. Sucking dick is an expected baseline for people who have sex with men, but a partner who eats pussy is often considered a rarity and a luxury. The pleasure of people with vaginas has taken a backseat to that of those with penises for far too long, and we think it’s time to start asking why. Lucky for you, we have cracked the code, and this dilemma all comes down to one simple thing: What it says in the right-hand column of your Degree Works!

We’ve broken the pussy paradox down by the 11 colleges within Syracuse University, with some subcategories for schools with distinctly different cultures within their walls:

School of Architecture:

Ain’t no time to eat pussy. On the rare occasion that they have time for sex, it’s a quickie. It’s not that they don’t care about getting you off, they just see sex as a transactional experience and are aiming for an orgasm that is more similar to a good back crack than it is to a moment of life-altering ecstasy. 

College of Arts and Sciences:

Arts and Soft Sciences: Yes. Yes. Yes. They see women’s bodies as one of the greatest art forms and want to celebrate it all night long. The setting is romantic, there is a string quartet, and you will cum multiple times. A little vanilla, but they will lovingly rock your shit!

Rock Hard Sciences: They don’t have the time to care about extremely fulfilling sexual experiences, and they’re honestly okay with that. They’re not concerned with your orgasms, but they’re also not that concerned with their own. They masturbate once a week to unclog their mind palace so that they can solve all of the necessary equations.

School of Education: 

They do it solely because the vagina-owner would feel bad if they didn’t, and then promptly make you feel like you guilted them into doing it -- even though you literally did not say anything!! It was half-hearted head that came from a place of self-inflicted obligation. No orgasms here, folks.

The College of Engineering and Computer Science:

Comp Sci majors don’t eat pussy, but they have something else going for them: Programmers' fingers. After they finish hacking into the mainframe, they will make you finish until you break the bed frame. It may be lazy to resort to the ~nerd~ stereotype when considering engineering majors, but hey stereotypes come from somewhere! Their remarkable hentai collection failed to teach them how to give a woman oral pleasure, and their performances will reflect that (iykyk).

Falk College of Sport and Human Dynamics: 

This is one school where the gender divide matters. The men of Falk don’t eat pussy, don’t know how, and think that there’s certain masculinity to that. The women, however, are trustworthy in this field. They care about your pleasure and have a natural knack for helping you get there. They aren’t strong communicators and will be resistant to change, but their routine is tried and true. 

School of Information Studies: 

The men of the iSchool do not eat pussy, mostly because they’re generally not having sex. There’s little to discuss there. However, hello LGBTQ+ community! There is a real and underrated pocket of queer women in this school, and they eat pussy all day, every day, and they do it like a beast. 

College of Law: 

The law school eats pussy and does it with panache. They’re wearing a super cool ascot and smoke a pipe after they’ve given you highly attentive head. This school is entirely made up of MILFs, DILFs, and NBILFs. They may or may not pass the bar, but in the bedroom, they will be raising it. 

BONUS: Joe Biden genuinely eats so much pussy, regardless of how you feel about politics, we just know he has never had a sexual encounter where his partner did not finish. 

Whitman School of Management: 

Martin J. Whitman himself just gave us 3 steady pumps in missionary before screaming his own name and cumming inside of us, which is weird because we swear we asked him to wear a condom. No, they do not eat pussy, and honestly, nor should they. They’ll lick your labia once and then look up at you with puppy dog eyes, ready for their “super good guy who’s selfless in bed yet also a remarkable alpha” medal. Don’t give it to them.

Maxwell School of Citizenship and Public Affairs: 

The men? Absolutely not. The women and non-binary people? All damn day. The men (if we should even call them that) of Maxwell’s tongue are way too tired from talking over women and playing devil’s advocate all day to pleasure anyone. They want to fuck you in doggy and bust to an image of Mitt Romney. However, the women = girlbosses. There are exceptions to this theory: The conservatives & the neolibs. Just… no. 

S.I. Newhouse School of Public Communications:

TRF/Graphic Design/Photography/Journalism/Mag: The women in this category absolutely eat pussy, and they do it well. In their male-dominated field, these future directors have learned that you have to go above & beyond in order to be taken seriously. Afterward, they might write a really bad screenplay about you, but hey you’ll be famous. The men, however, are just ~too deep~. Their “profound thoughts” are barely contained by their Carhartt beanies. So no, they don’t eat pussy. They will look you in the eye and tell you that it’s because they respect you too much. Pick your head up, king, your wire-rim glasses are falling.

BDJ/Advertising/PR: Oh fuck no. According to the degrading porn they watch, women get all the pleasure anyone could ever need from being called a “stupid slut” a few times while getting their windpipe crushed. They will get mean and defensive if you pass out or, god forbid, don’t pretend to cum. Don’t let the future employees of Fox News get you down. 

College of Visual and Performing Arts:

They think they eat pussy. They think they’re masters at it. They are not good at it. It’ll be just like it is in the movies, they kiss your lips, your neck, they slowly trail downwards…and then they internally panic because they were under the impression that the scene ended when they went out of frame. When you fuck a VPA major, you get to be the real actor for the night! Faking your orgasm is basically broadway.

ESF:

They beg to eat your pussy because it gives them pleasure to give you pleasure! But, it’s bad. It’s so bad. They’ve been making one gentle circle about 6 centimeters southwest of your clit for 20 minutes, and they’re so excited that you don’t know how to tell them that they’re just licking your upper-inner thigh at this point. They’re moaning in ecstasy while you’re planning your next COVID test. Tell Jerimiah to put his Birkenstocks on and go violently respect someone else. 

Welp, we’re off to look up if COVID can be spread through ejaculate! Don’t forget a dental dam ;)