9 Circles Of Hell: Syracuse University
photo courtesy of @syracuseu Instagram
Every year when spring rolls around, parents and prospective students visit campus to get a feel for our beloved ‘Cuse. The tour guides take them around to show off the gorgeous architecture (minus Bird), tell riveting tales of games played in the Carrier Dome, and boast about the newly renovated Schine student center. Seeing everyone and their mother’s cousin’s dog’s best friend come to visit got us at Jerk thinking about the stops your tour guides definitely skipped over.
Allow us to introduce, or rather rehash, the 9 circles of SU hell:
The Mount Steps
A hundred and twenty-three steps of pure pain. Sure, Graham is the best freshman dining hall and Day has pod-style bathrooms, but at what cost? Getting up those rickety wooden stairs takes a sheer amount of mental and physical stamina. At least your quads will be super toned by the end of the semester unless you opt for taking the trolley any chance you can get.
Dining Hall’s Vegan Section
Thinking about going vegan? Prepare for a random assortment of canned veggies in rice or meat substitutes that taste like dirt. Sad, pathetic, and inedible. Thank god for Strong Hearts and Original Grain.
BDJ Majors on the Promenade
They set up their cameras, pounce on innocent freshmen, and harass you for an interview. Somehow they always get you when you’re not camera ready and already 5 minutes late to class. Just smile and wave, boys. Smile and wave.
Schine’s Dining Hours
Who TF came up with these times and chose to close all food spots so damn early. You want Panda on a Sunday? It’s closed. A salad from Core past 5 PM? It’s closed. A desperately needed Dunkin cold brew at 8 PM? It’s closed.
March of the ROTC Kids
Why must we witness them publicly practice heading off to war in their military cosplay? The stomping of their boots is definitely a three on the Richter scale. PLEASE STOP INTERRUPTING THE PEACE. Also, the drill sergeants aren’t afraid to rip you a new one if you get in their way.
The Newhouse Labyrinth
You could walk in NH1 as a functioning human and by the time you walk out of NH3 you won’t know your name, major, or where you live. Then there’s also the chance of getting Newhoused (aka someone condescendingly mentioning they are in Newhouse). Please, show some humility.
The Marshall Street Preachers
Ah yes, you’re heading down to Whitman or to Starbies, when you see him. If you think this preacher is going on about how Jesus would have welcomed us all, you are in for a rude awakening. Instead, you can expect to hear homophobic, misogynistic, and other bizarre statements of condemnation. Not to mention, all these not-so-nice comments are made at obscenely loud volume level; brace your poor eardrums.
Frats When It’s 50+ Degrees Out
We get that everyone wants to enjoy the nice weather but LAMBDA, AEPI, or whatever the fuck are all so obnoxious about it. Maybe it would be endearing if they weren’t blasting the same top 40 rap songs from 2015. Without fail, you will see shirtless brothers publicly day drinking, breaking COVID-19 protocol, and screeching over a game of pong.
The Barnes Center Weight Room
Oh god...This truly is a hellscape. Reserving a time is more competitive than trying to get a front-row seat concert ticket, but getting a slot is only the start of your problems. You will be surrounded by grunting gym bros who prob snort lines of pre-workout. The concept of personal space is non-existent, as well as...not STARING at people?? They are also super pushy, like..yes this bench is clearly taken. It’s enough to make a person quit lifting all together.
If you live to survive all 9 circles of SU hell, then in our humble opinion, you truly deserve to graduate summa cum laude.