The Receiving End of Coming Out

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As an ally, it may be easy to believe that you’re a great person to come out to. You’re up to date on lesbian Tik Tok drama, you’ve been to a pride parade, and you even called out you’re slightly homophobic uncle last Thanksgiving– how could someone not come out to you? Whether someone’s come out to you or not, there’s always room to grow. So we here at Jerk are here to give you some pointers to keep in mind.

First, let’s talk– what is coming out, and why is it such a big deal? “Coming out” is the phrase used to describe when someone tells others about their sexuality or gender identity. It’s not one universal moment and it’s completely optional; the whole experience is dictated by the individual. Above all else, as the Human Rights Campaign puts it, “It is… a brave decision to live authentically.”

The number one thing to remember when someone comes out to you is that THIS IS NOT ABOUT YOU! Coming out isn’t like an album drop– no one is entitled to access. The first thing you have to do is ditch any you-centric thinking. Whether or not a person comes out to you, who they come out to before and after you, and how they tell you is NOT a reflection of you or your relationship. Consider it an honor that they’ve shared this piece of themselves, and ignore the voice in the back of your head looking to make it a competition.

When this new aspect of a person is revealed, you may be surprised or even confused, and that’s okay! Just don’t let that lead to judgment or invalidation. The last thing anyone wants to hear once they’ve worked up the courage to come out is, “are you sure?” or, opposingly, “I knew it!” Although being skeptical is great and even encouraged in many situations, like hearing Syracuse is 6-0 this season, a coming out moment is just not the time. This doesn’t mean you’re not allowed to ask questions, it just means that it’s important to be validating through them.

The last thing for you to keep in mind is to just be normal. Now that we’ve explained the importance of coming out for the person doing it, it may seem like this is going to change things. That’s not the case at all; they are still the person you know and love! If you guys are serious, have an emotional conversation, if you joke around, let them know they’ve still got no game. Most of all, make sure they know, in whatever style you prefer, that this is a piece of them that only makes their image more clear, not any different.