FALL HOROSCOPES
ARIES- Mar. 21 - Apr. 19
Aries, Aries, Aries, you’re biting off more than you can chew and you know it. Take things day by day. There’s still time to prevent the crashout of the century.
TAURUS- Apr. 20 - May 20
It’s time to move on. You’ve been overthinking it, and it’s doing you no good. Protect your peace and start practicing how to let things go.
GEMINI- May 21 - Jun. 20
Gemini, life is about to be on the up. Your hard work is finally paying off, and you’re about to receive everything you’ve been hoping for.
CANCER- Jun. 21 - Jul. 22
When we heard Minecraft music in the Schine Student Center at 1:13 a.m. on a Tuesday while attempting to take a pee break from studying, we thought of you. Not sure why.
LEO- Jul. 23 - Aug. 22
Jerk senses Yik Yak fame in your VERY, VERY near future. Interpret this how you wish. And maybe check your phone right now.
VIRGO- Aug. 23 - Sep. 22
Is it just us, or have things been going too wrong lately? It’s okay, sweet little Virgo. Things are genuinely about to take a 540-degree turn (That’s THREE 180-degrees). Hold on!
LIBRA- Sep. 23 - Oct. 22
If you’re reading this, you might have had a birthday lately. Cake and candle bro <3 This is YOUR year. (It won’t be, but you’ll get through it).
SCORPIO- Oct. 23 - Nov. 21
We here at Jerk see a glorious, earth-shattering, transcendent phenomenon of a Halloween costume in your near future. You'd better not disappoint.
SAGITTARIUS- Nov. 22 - Dec. 21
My best friend is a Sagittarius. Therefore, if you are a Sagittarius, we are now best friends by proxy. Congratufuckinglations!
CAPRICORN- Dec. 21 - Jan. 20
We here at Jerk sense that this is about to be your month. Opportunities are going to start opening up for you; don’t let them go to waste.
AQUARIUS- Jan. 21 - Feb. 18
Aquarius, someone new will enter your life soon. Remember to take things slow. After all, the flame that burns twice as bright burns half as long.
PISCES- Feb. 19 - Mar. 20
Things may feel like they’re moving fast for you right now. Know that better times are coming your way; just hang in there. There’s nothing you little fishies can’t take.