So When Are We Going to Be Adults?

Graphics by Maria Masek

At some point, we all believed adulthood would just happen. One day we’d wake up, suddenly equipped with the ability to do our taxes, negotiate rent and feel something other than dread when checking our bank account. Maybe turning 18 or 21 was supposed to do the trick. Maybe getting a degree. Maybe securing a job with real benefits.

But here we are—wearing our special blazers to an internship, living by ourselves, buying groceries and hoping no one notices the $3 in our checking account. Professors expect us to analyze 500-page novels, but no one ever sat us down and explained how to read a lease. We still have to look up how long to cook chicken. The truth is, adulthood isn’t real. It’s a myth we were sold, and now we’re all just faking it at different levels.

So, when are we supposed to feel like adults? Psychologists actually have an answer for this: never.

The transition to adulthood isn’t a single moment—it’s a vague, frustrating phase that stretches from your late teens to your late 20s, according to researcher Jeffrey Arnett. He calls it emerging adulthood, a time marked by instability, self-doubt, and the overwhelming realization that no one actually knows what they’re doing.

We were taught that 18 means legal independence and 21 means full-grown responsibility, but in reality, those are just numbers. No one hands you an adulthood starter pack when you reach a milestone birthday. Instead, you get an inbox full of credit card offers and the expectation that you suddenly understand how health insurance works.

Feeling like an adult isn’t about actually knowing what’s going on—it’s about performing. Social psychologists argue that adulthood is just another role we learn to play. We put on the right outfit, use the right jargon, and hope no one realizes we still don’t know how to fold a fitted sheet.

Though we can’t see it, people who we view as “real adults” can feel like this too. On some level, we are all pretending. That senior that you want to be in two years? Probably still has to look up “how to sound professional in an email.” The friend who seems effortlessly put-together? They cried in their car this week. Being an adult isn’t about becoming something—it’s about committing to the bit.

While pretending can sometimes be a useful coping mechanism, there’s also something deeply unsettling about realizing that adulthood isn’t about mastering life—it’s just about surviving it.

Adulthood was pitched to us as a reward: work hard, follow the clear-cut path, and you get to level up to adult. But the truth is, it is almost impossible to identify the moment when we have reached that milestone.

You don’t unlock a new level of confidence at 25. You don’t suddenly gain financial stability at 30. And no one has ever woken up and thought, “Wow, I finally understand how insurance deductibles work.”

So, if you’re still waiting to feel like an adult, stop. No one else does either. The only difference between us and the people we think have it all together? They just got better at faking it.