How To Write a Horror Film

Graphics by Maria Masek

So you want to write a horror film. Maybe you have a rough draft already, or maybe you just randomly decided to write one. Regardless, this guide will help you make critical decisions and aid you with writing in such an elusive genre. Horror is a beloved genre across many generations, so don’t fuck it up. 

Below, find helpful tips and suggestions on what to consider when writing a horror film. 

1. A stupid-ass protagonist

First, decide who the main character of your story will be. Do we like them? (Spoiler: no). Are they interesting? More importantly, are they incredibly stupid? You have to conjure up the dumbest person you could possibly imagine, and put them in the most deadly scenarios possible. If they are given the choice between a piece of moldy bread and an ice cream cone, they choose the moldy bread because they want to know what mold tastes like. They are the most unlikeable main character because of their poor decision-making skills. The entire movie depends on the character making poor choices that no human with two brain cells would ever make. To really enforce the horror genre, the main character should be female, and should, miraculously, be the sole survivor (A Final Girl). Don’t worry about what the societal implications are of making the main character always female and always stupid; I’m sure there’s no correlation. 

2. A diverse friend group

You need a diverse friend group to rally behind the protagonist, even though no one understands why this group of friends works in the first place. There’s only ever one black dude, and there’s one white guy who is probably a “lady’s man” (code: sexist), a stupid girl, and maybe a popular girl who is actually just plain mean. It doesn’t really make sense why they’re friends, as mentioned, so just stay away from the backstory if possible. A good Get Out of Jail Free card is that they all met in detention. 

3. Make it abandoned

Do you not have a plan for the setting yet? I have a great suggestion: make it abandoned. Everything is scarier when it’s abandoned and when the backstory of the setting is poorly developed. Do you want your story to take place in a mall? Great idea, but I raise you: abandoned mall! 

4. The Black Guy dies first

You always kill the black guy first. He makes a White Decision, and he dies because of it. Even though there are many comedian sets saying that black people would be the ones to survive these horrifying scenarios because they would’ve left at the first sign of something being weird, you have to make sure the black guy stays and dies first. It’s just a staple of the genre! (P.S. Don’t think too hard about this one in regards to how racism is involved in horror. It’s not important.)

5. Never call 9-1-1

When shit hits the fan, have none of the characters dial 9-1-1. Call a friend or something, but don’t get the police involved. 

6. All the phones die

Maybe they’re trying to call 9-1-1 , and their phone dies (their fault for breaking rule #5). Or, the phones die before they even try to call the police. Make a flimsy reason for their phones to be dead, and stick with it; in fact, make sure they can’t call for help at all. Ooh! Or “the ghost” used up their iPhone’s battery. The options are endless!

7. Split up!

Are the characters strung-out? Are they stressed? Are they terrified for their lives? Split up the group! Make them search in different parts of the whatever to try and find out whatever and do it in a way that makes the audience wonder if anyone learned anything from Scooby-Doo, ever. 

8. Follow the noises

Is there a scary noise down the hall? Do you hear screams, grunting, scraping? Follow that sound! What could that be, a clue? I don’t know, but you gotta go look! BONUS: send the black guy (if he’s not dead already)!

9. Blood

Is your storyline dumb? Is it just another slasher film? That’s okay, consider adding an obnoxious and unrealistic amount of blood, everywhere! Here, though, you have another serious decision to make. Do you want it to look like real blood, or do you want it to look so terrible that the audience is convinced you just sprayed ketchup everywhere? It’s a tough decision to make!

10. Falling down

Is there a chase scene? If so, the female character being chased should fall, like a lot, and almost get caught, like a lot, and maybe even get caught. It’s best to imagine this female character (yes, it has to be female) flopping around like a fish on the floor to dodge various stabbing attempts. Sheer or very lightly lined bra preferred.

11. The car stalls

Did they get out? Thank God! Now make sure the car won’t start, even though there was absolutely no foreshadowing that the car was having any issues at all. Or, the keys were left inside, and now the characters must decide if they go back inside to find the keys, or just start running. Get creative with it!

12. Stupid kids, even more stupid adults

If you want the teenagers to seek help (not the police), have them enlist a trusted adult’s help, and be sure the adult doesn’t believe a word they say. Whether it’s because it’s Halloween, it’s a troubled group of kids, or the parent is an alcoholic, the best horror films have a useless adult that does everything in their power to not be an actual adult. 

13. Don’t kill the bad guy

Are you stuck on the final scene, where the Final Girl is holding a knife, blood splattered across her face, and is towering over the antagonist? If you REALLY wanna shock your audience, don’t let the protagonist kill the antagonist. Wait for the police to come, or whoever, because you don’t want your protagonist to also become a killer, even though that would save you two sequels. 

14. The killer returns

In the sequels, the killer returns and is stronger than ever. Or, bonus, the killer, for some reason, has incredibly thick Plot Armor and can’t ever fucking die, which definitely doesn’t enrage the audience and definitely doesn’t make the sequels decrease in viewership. 

15. Milk it

Once you have your successful formula, make as many films as possible with the same criteria and change minor details, and when people say you’re being lazy, just say that they clearly don’t understand the social commentary that’s interwoven throughout the films, and it’s actually their fault, not yours, that they don’t “get it.” 

Once you get this far, you might get a Rotten Tomatoes score of 67%. 

Congrats!