JANUARY HOROSCOPES
Art By Marina Lee
ARIES
Mar. 21 - Apr. 19
Going home from Flip night with your ex isn’t going to open new doors, my friend. Next time the coin is in the air, turn to the person next to you, bat your eyelashes and call “Head(s)?” in a sultry tone. See where that leads you.
TAURUS
Apr. 20 - May 20
It’s possible that your earth- shatteringly destructive hangovers are killing your vibe. Have you tried mixing in a water? Aging is cool, but it comes with a cost. Take care of yourself, Taurus, and maybe lay off the Cutwaters.
GEMINI
May 21 - Jun. 20
So your last failed situationship destroyed your confidence, made you question your self-respect and renewed your trust issues for the next calendar year. Who cares?? It’s 2026 now, Gemini. The world is your oyster (and the right clam could be just around the corner).
CANCER
Jun. 21 - Jul. 22
I’m not a doctor, but it’s possible that 23 hours a day spent on TikTok is impacting your mental health. Put the damn phone down and read a book, Cancer. See how your attention span can flourish.
LEO
Jul. 23 - Aug. 22
You may have failed an exam, tripped down the Carnegie steps in front of a tour group and dropped your Medi Combo on the ground, but it’s a new month, Leo. Now’s your time to shine.
VIRGO
Aug. 23 - Sep. 22
The prophet in my dream last night told me you have the power to single-handedly bring back Syracuse’s house party scene. Sign that lease, Virgo, and charge freshmen $15 at the door. Bring Euclid Avenue back to its glory days.
LIBRA
Sep. 23 - Oct. 22
What was that, Libra? Your professor thinks you used ChatGPT on your last assignment? You and I both know you didn’t, so who cares? Pick your head up, clear your search history and consult with your closest pre-law friend. You’ll be fine.
SCORPIO
Oct. 23 - Nov. 21
Stop leaving your dishes in the sink—your quality of life might just improve (or at least your roommates will stop talking shit about you). 2026 is yours, Scorpio.
SAGITTARIUS
Nov. 22 - Dec. 21
They say you are what you eat, but they forgot to mention you are what you do, too. Using Claude AI to do your earth science homework will turn you into an AI chatbot in the near future. Chill with that, Sag.
CAPRICORN
Dec. 2 - Jan. 20
The 8 a.m. wouldn’t be so bad if you stopped going to bed at 4:23 in the morning. Pop a melatonin, fix your circadian rhythm and see how your life changes. The new year is for prioritizing sleep, Capricorn.
AQUARIUS
Jan. 21 - Feb. 18
Stop ignoring your friends’ Venmo requests. It’s not cool. 2026 will feel better with that weight off your shoulders (and your wallet…it was getting too heavy, big dawg).
PISCES
Feb. 19 - Mar. 20
Honestly, there’s nothing worse than waking up in bed next to a pile of kiwis, unsure of how they got there. Keep your head up, Pisces, it can only go up from here.