Photo by Collin Snyder
In the early and erotic 2000s, sex was everywhere. Cosmopolitan was known for its unhinged casual sex tips and TVs were blaring Sex and The City and American Pie. From Christina Aguilera's “Genie In A Bottle” to Justin Timberlake's “Sexyback,” the culture surrounding sex was raunchy and exhilarating. Now, it feels like sex has become a chore.
Cara Morris, a Michigan-based sex therapist, recalls the 2002 romantic comedy 40 Days and 40 Nights. In this story about building connection, one of the film's most memorable scenes is the “immaculate orgasm,” in which the main female character reaches a blissful orgasm without being touched once.
“The whole fucking movie is foreplay,” Morris said.
As someone who works with clients of all sexual orientations and kinks, she said that is definitely something you don’t see everyday.
Foreplay is the true catalyst of ecstasy in sex. Jennie Bull, the founder and editor-in-chief of Moody Magazine, a New York City-based publication about sex and relationships started by SU students, shared her thoughts on the matter.
“I would say foreplay is the main act,” Bull said.
With the absence of foreplay in casual college quickies, what's supposed to be orgasmic is just disappointing. So, why did we stop?
Morris said our generation's need for instant gratification, along with the ready availability of almost anything, has worked against our desire for foreplay. In other words, it really is that damn phone. Morris said porn, and our mobile access to it, is the biggest culprit of the decline and deficiency of foreplay. Porn has unconsciously become the sex standard, and therefore sex has lost the touch of intimacy and its fun.
These converging causes create a pressure to perform at impossible standards. Ongoing patterns in intimacy involving fear of rejection and avoidance, shield the real passion in sex. As a result sex has become quick and impersonal rather than the hot and sexy lovemaking we used to cherish.
Bull has vocalized this cultural lack of intimacy. She said she’s never experienced reaching an orgasm with another person, despite having sex with people of different genders and sexualities.
“The biggest problem is people being scared of intimacy,” Bull said. “There’s a lot of fear of being embarrassed and not knowing how the other person will react, especially in a casual relationship.”
People are so worried about being liked and accepted that they’ve lost touch with others altogether, not just sexually. This is a main component of the nonchalance epidemic, a rising trend among young people where they try to feign coolness, indifference and emotional detachment, in order to avoid seeming too clingy, eager or “cringe.” The adoption of this in everyday life has increased loneliness tremendously, and when sex comes into play, the conversation isn’t the only thing that is dry.
“Everyone's too scared to be vulnerable, too intimate, to be asking for too much,” Bull said. “All of that is bare minimum and should be accepted during sex.”
Syracuse University sophomore Naima Long, a self-proclaimed sex-expert said, “So much importance of foreplay is that we feel turned on as well and that the other person cares enough to make us feel good.”
Foreplay may be scarce, but the desire for it is not, especially among younger people. Romantic comedies have long set unrealistic standards for romance, but now they show only the bare minimum. Shows like Off Campus and Heated Rivalry appeal to viewers because of the foreplay they depict. Wattpad and Archive of our own (AO3) smut is so popular with Gen Z, and though it is quite literally written pornography, there is often a pre-game to the sex in every story you pick up.
People want to spice up their sex life with foreplay, but it could be they just don’t know how.
“The biggest thing is get out of your head and get more in your body. Like just touch each other. Explore and see what feels right,” said Bull. “Communicating what you want can be hot.”
Real intimacy is hard to come by in college sex. But little vulnerability and no foreplay lead to no fun. Taking your time is hot, and if done right—erotic. The only thing that should be dry is the humping.