Addressing the Anxiety of Exploration

Photograph by Maddy Taylor

For the majority of her eight years serving in the Air Force, Donita Anderson-Session said she was under the “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy, which required sexual orientation to be kept hidden if it wasn’t heterosexual. 

You’re reading that correctly. This policy was in effect for U.S. service members for an insulting 17 years. But discrimination based on sexual preferences didn’t start in 1994 and end in 2011. 

As a stud, who is described as a black, masculine-presenting lesbian, Anderson-Session knew what it was like to feel suppressed. With these lived experiences, she wanted to find a way to work with people who shared similar positions and barriers. So, she soon became a psychotherapist. 

“I’ve encountered several different ways and avenues that people have thought of us,” Anderson-Session said. “Also, the barriers and some of the challenges that come with intimacy and around intimacy in our community.” 

As the United States becomes more politically divided, right-leaning states have begun to push abstinence-only sex education teachings. Heteronormative teachings are encouraged and LGBTQIA+ representation has become more restricted in red states. 

Due to censorship to sex education, abortion restrictions and lack of LGBTQIA+ discussion, some people feel they don’t have the proper teachings when it comes to their own sexuality and exploration. 

Fourteen states provide abstinence-only sex education, according to the Sexuality Information and Education Council of the United States. Sex education also doesn’t have to be age-appropriate, medically accurate, culturally responsive or evidence-based and evidence-informed in 16 states. 

These barriers lead to a lack proper education for those who are exploring their own interests. This could create an uninformed image in their head of how they’re supposed to act and what they’re supposed to like. 

For people who are interested in exploring their own sexuality and interests, there can be some fear of judgment and shame. With these persisting anxieties, therapists like Anderson-Session work to help educate and listen to clients who are new, or experimenting, with different sexual preferences. 

When speaking with clients about kinks and pleasure, Anderson-Session said that she creates a space to ensure that “the taboo is not taboo” and can be discussed.

“We sit with the fact that ‘hey, what is it that you want to explore?’” she said. “‘What is this? What is the kink that you have? And then, what is the shame?’” 

Anderson-Session said that it’s her responsibility to create a space for clients to express what they’ve never been able to say before. She also said she creates room to understand where some kinks may come from.

Kinks may stem from a person’s past—such as past traumas—that now manifest in a sexual desire. Anderson-Session said that it’s important to address someone’s history in order to discuss safety and consent.

“I think it’s important to dig deeper into your reasons for your kink,” Anderson-Session said. “When a client does that, then they can start to look at and set appropriate boundaries for themselves.” 

When some people are raised thinking that talking about sex is taboo and inappropriate, then they might be unable to set healthy boundaries and advocate for their own desires. Schools that don’t address consent and don’t rely on evidence-based information could potentially harm students by misinforming them about their own bodies and wants.

After deciding to pursue their master’s degree in marriage and family therapy, Anastasia Philippopoulos found that focusing treatment in a holistic way was more supportive. As a queer person themself, Philippopoulos said that queer people, people in kink communities and non-monogamous people are generally not supported often. 

“There’s no expectation for how someone is supposed to show up sexually,” Philippopoulos said. “So a lot of my work comes from meeting people exactly where they are and normalizing their experiences. We’re all humans at the end of the day.” 

Kinks can mean different things for different people. For some, it’s appalling to discuss and riddled with shame. For others, it’s about freedom, fun and fulfillment. 

To be able to understand kinks and different communities, acceptance and having an open mind is key. Take that first step and educate yourself on kink culture. Don’t take surface level media depictions as fact.

Openness, experimentation, joy and authenticity are words Philippopoulos used to describe what “kink” truly communicates. 

“The kink community and kink in general challenges the normalized and stereotypical perceptions of sex we were taught,” Philippopoulos said. “I think that goes hand in hand with the energy queerness also brings. Being able to challenge those oppressive institutions is what both of those things are seeking to achieve.”