Navigating Being Nonbinary
Graphic by Miguel Rodriguez
Gender can be tricky. So tricky that you may not even be fully comfortable expressing your own gender. But after years of back and forth about which gender you feel like, you still can’t pick one. Sound familiar? If so, then you, my friend, may have just won yourself a one-way ticket to the wonderful world of being nonbinary. Don’t worry, I’m right there with you.
After years of self-discovery – and a lot of growing pains – I’ve not only been able to accept myself as nonbinary, but I’ve been able to love myself for it. I can’t speak for every trans person’s experience with gender, but I hope my personal account will help make your journey with gender a little bit smoother.
Back in high school, I never even considered being nonbinary as a possibility. Going to a Catholic school, everything was very black or white. I firmly believed that if I wasn’t a woman, then I must be a man. This thinking led to some very confusing conversations with friends. Everyone other than me knew that I wasn’t a man, but they didn’t know how to explain that to me without jeopardizing our friendship.
Once I got to college, I kind of backtracked and realized that if I wasn’t happy as a man, I must have just been confused and was actually a woman the entire time. And being a woman was “easy”. Without making any changes to my physical appearance, I could fit in with the girls and have a social circle, something everyone craves at the beginning of college. But I knew deep down that this wasn’t me – I didn’t feel like a girl. But, I accepted being a girl because I didn’t know the other option. Being equally as uncomfortable as a guy?
I struggled with that question until one fateful day when I saw someone so androgynous that all of the pieces clicked in my brain. The reason why I didn’t feel like a girl or a guy was because I wasn’t either. And for a minute, I felt at peace with myself and my gender. Every question, every late night, it all felt worth it in that moment.
But then I began to hesitate. What was the next step? How do I explain this to people, especially my conservative family, without sounding like a stereotypical “liberal snowflake?” For a long time I just avoided the “issue.” Since there was nothing for me to medically transition to anymore, I didn’t feel as pressured to come out, so I essentially just went back into the closet. I let everyone use “she” for me because it was easier than explaining that, despite my crop top, I am not a woman. At this point, I was stuck at an impasse. With no idea how to be more androgynous, I just kept my feelings hidden inside. That was until I couldn’t hide them anymore.
One day, the overwhelming feeling of gender dysphoria bubbled over the edge and I had to come out to the world as nonbinary. Unfortunately, doing that was one of the most difficult things that I’ve ever had to do. Fortunately, it’s also been one of the most freeing things that I’ve ever felt in my entire life. By surrounding myself with a supportive circle, I’ve been able to feel entirely like me for a long time now. I will forever be grateful to the friends and family that helped me through that difficult – and somewhat awkward – part of my life.
If you’re teetering on the edge between man and woman, take my story to heart. Being able to accept and love yourself as a nonbinary person is not an easy journey, but it’s a journey that’s worth every difficult step that you take to get there. Trust me, once you love yourself the way that you deserve to be loved, everything else will fall right into place.