March Horoscopes
Art by Sara McConnell
♈ Aries: March 21 – April 19
You may be the first sign in the zodiac, but you’re the last to leave your ex alone. We’re on to better and BIGGER things, Aries. See you at the finish line.
♉ Taurus: April 20 – May 20
Now, I don’t know if you knew this, Taurus, but you actually can’t afford the 20-step skincare routine you saved on TikTok. Hightail it to CVS, pick up some makeup wipes and CHILL OUT.
♊ Gemini: May 21 – June 20
Can you hear me? Or am I another one of your 258 unread texts? Gemini, your friends haven’t heard from you in weeks. Take a deep breath, and make a FaceTime call.
♋ Cancer: June 21 – July 22
Remember your New Year’s Resolution, Cancer? Barnes is emptier now! Pop in your AirPods, get on the stairmaster and give it a good five minutes.
♌ Leo: July 23 – August 22
Leo, Leo, Leo. You may feel like you’re in a rut, but maybe if you broke your addiction to Instagram reels, you’d feel the weight of the world lift off your shoulders. It really is that damn phone.
♍ Virgo: August 23 – September 22
Did someone say overspending? Virgo, those $7 coffees are ruining your life. Make an Excel spreadsheet and invest in an espresso machine.
♎ Libra: September 23 – October 22
Boy, do I have breaking news for you. Nobody cares as much about you as you do! Let’s take our anxiety meds and stop worrying about what the person behind you at the Dunkin’ line is thinking about you. I’ll tell you a secret… it’s nothing at all!
♏ Scorpio: October 23 – November 21
Some drama is festering in your life. It’s important to know when to pick your battles. Let’s protect our peace this year. Guess what? It’s not your circus, so stay wise, Scorpio.
♐ Sagittarius: November 22 – December 21
Sagittarius, let’s bring it up. You’re being boring. Boo. Get wild, you need something going for you. Enough said.
♑ Capricorn: December 22 – January 19
Hey! Maybe let’s stop falling asleep to TikTok edits and try going outside for once. Get your ass out the door and touch some grass.
♒ Aquarius: January 20 – February 18
Oh, Aquarius, you’re our favorite group of freaks. We’re gonna need you to lock in, though. This year’s been off to a wild start. Pick up the wallet you left at the bar last week. Grab your inhaler, let’s take a breather.
♓ Pisces: February 19 – March 20
We want to see you rage. This month is for bar fights, buying that spontaneous ticket to Europe and making your friends just a little concerned you’re going off the deep end.