Hit/Bitch

Photo by Collin Snyder

HIT: 

St. Patrick’s Day (March 17): 

The only reason that little leprechaun exists is to tell us to keep drinking, and this year, they’re practically begging us to because the holiday happens while we’re on campus. Everyone at Jerk is very excited to see people of all backgrounds celebrate how great it is to be Irish. We love you, Paul Mescal.   

The Drama (April 3): 

The release of The Drama is very important—it’s the first cool Zendaya movie post- Challengers. This film has HUGE shoes to fill. Does anybody know if it’s about a threesome?  

That one random warm day in March:

This is proof that brighter days are ahead. I can see it now—everyone on the quad, students are actually smiling, not a care in the world. I cannot wait until my pants are free from salt and snow stains and I can walk freely without some ugly-ass snow boots. It’s the little things—#hopecore. 

Women's March Madness: 

With big teams to look out for like the University of Connecticut, the University of South Carolina, and the University of California, Los Angeles, suddenly, the most boring month of the year might be quite entertaining. Since the tournament takes place during Women’s History Month, why are we even airing the men’s season? 

BITCH: 

Morrissey’s Make-Up Is a Lie (March 6):

Just because The Smiths occasionally go viral on TikTok does not mean Morrissey should. Gen Z loves to bring the ‘80s and ‘90s back, but let's leave Morrissey in the past with smoking, diet culture and casual workplace sexism. 

Michael Jackson Movie (April 24):

“Wow, another biopic,” we all say in monotone unison. It’s obvious that Hollywood is running out of Oscar-winning ideas, so they’re throwing another biopic at us. With a questionable character like Michael Jackson, it’s hard to see this playing out well.  

Men’s March Madness (March 15): 

Ugh, boring. As stated previously, why are we airing MEN’s March Madness during WOMEN’s History Month? That seems cancellable. 

Euphoria Season 3 (April 12):

Without half of the main cast, what do we even have to look forward to? How are we supposed to watch a whole season of Sydney Sweeney being insufferable without cute filler scenes of Angus Cloud (RIP King)? The trailer was mid and the only thing that might not flop is Trisha Paytas’ acting debut. Well, it might.