He Puts the FUN in FUNK! Harry Styles is Officially Back!
Graphic by Téa Sklar
Wait a second… my waist… It’s gone! My hips are not lying, and I’m being sucked onto the dance floor while also crying? Who could do such a thing?! The clouds part, the sun shines down on the shitstorm that is the United States, and Jesus is seen for the first time in three years. Harold Edward Styles is BACK!
After three years of agony and suffering through people trying to reheat my husband's nachos, he has finally left his tomb to save pop music once again. Three years of living off scraps, tracking his marathon numbers while that bitch was in Tokyo doing anything but making music, he parted the red sea and came to rescue the hopeless. HS4 was, indeed, at midnight, and thank the stars above: his comeback was serious, meticulous, and calculated.
Obviously, the album has no skips–it’s classic Harry. Each song is either emotionally devastating and makes me grateful for living, or it’s making me want to shake ass and throw down with my girls. Three years of radio silence gave him a lot of material to work with. “Apeture” is a cold open unlike anything I could’ve expected, and the best single to drop to give us a look into the vibe. “Are You Listening Yet?” is a subconsciously political hype song that makes you want to rally the troops and go to a protest. “DJs Don’t Dance No More” reminded me that I have little to no rhythm, but it’s okay! Simon and Garfunkel subconsciously gave us the perfect ending to it all with “Carla’s Song”. I want to give an in-depth review of every song, but so many people have done that already, and are undeniably doing it better than I could. As such, I want to talk about the way in which he soft-launched this album.
Do you remember where you were when the bombs dropped on that fateful day? I do. In a class that didn’t allow any electronics. The second I got out of there, you’d think I got engaged by how many congratulations texts I got. My two best friends were blowing up our group chat (the name of said group chat is indeed “harry’s whores”), basically screaming nonsensically about a new post. Naturally, I go onto Instagram to see if I’m getting mass-pranked. And I was not. Kiss All The Time. Disco, Occasionally. March 6th. My jaw hit the floor.
He teased us a bit, so I don’t know why I still didn’t see it coming. I got a YouTube notification from his account out of the blue. “Forever, Forever” was a video tribute to his fans and to the entire “Love On Tour” era that we went through. Did it make me cry like a baby? Yes. His ten-minute piano instrumental still feels like a dagger to my chest. I thought the video was simply to show us that he missed the fans, and that he was thinking of us or something. Every time I thought that we were getting an album, every single time I muttered “HS4 at midnight”, I was so gravely disappointed. I didn’t want to think too much about it. So I cried and carried on.
After the video was released and the album was announced, he started doing interviews. And this is rare. We don’t see Harry talking unless he’s on stage. But that changed when we saw him adorn his elf ears and shake hands with our supreme mother, Brittany Broski, on her Royal Court. That interview shook me to my core. One, I love Brittany and am trying to model my career after hers subconsciously. Two, this was the most relaxed and silly, I think any fan has seen Harry in an interview. Bro was relaxed and having a good ass time. That was shocking. Royal Court is such a good place to really see the human side of celebrities, especially with people as famous as he is. We got to know what he had been up to during the three-year drought, how much he loves yogurt, and everything he put into this album. We got the more in-depth look with his Zane Lowe interview, but Royal Court showed us the Harry that every girl grew up with. The One Direction Harry, proof that he’s still just a 17-year-old in his soul.
Then, there was a gift specifically for me. Double duty on SNL. As you all can imagine, based on my full article about me glazing SNL, I was very calm about it and didn’t let out the most gut-wrenching scream that’s ever left my body. This was a big night for me. Seeing someone that I see as this yearning little lover boy go be silly in front of New York? It will always bring a smile to my face. That’s another thing that I deeply admire and respect about both SNL and Royal Court. They make these celebrities weird, and they’re always down for the bit. It’s refreshing, funny, but mostly, it humanizes them a little more. And it never fails to make me smile.
Harry, welcome home, my man. The kids have missed you so much. I’ve got supper waiting on the dining table for you with a gauntlet of grape juice.