7 Steps to Successful Social Media Stalking

From good ‘ol Facebook to our snarky Twitter accounts and showy Instagrams, social media is basically our generation’s way of saying, “I’m really fucking cool and here’s a picture/post/tweet to prove it." Other than the indescribable joys of breaking 100 likes, social media is the best way to get to know your ~*secret crush*~. I mean, how else are you going to know whether they're actually single or how they like to throw down on the weekends? Since we all social media stalk (don't even try to deny it), here's how to do it right.

1. Find the right profile. So, you eyed this hot chick in your math class, but in a lecture hall of 200 people, the most you know is that her first name is Sophie and her last name starts with an M. Ever tried looking up someone on Facebook with just that much info? Step one is the first measurement in knowing how determined you are. After about 50 or so Sophie M’s, you’re bound to find the right one. Perseverance is key, friends.

2. Analyze all available info. Once you’ve acquired the right profile, dig, dig, DIG! Unlike Twitter or Instagram, Facebook’s where people actually post relevant shit about themselves. So this is the place to find out what they’re studying, what movies and bands they’re into and most importantly, their relationship status. Green light if they have a single status, and I say red light if it’s otherwise, but hey, to each their own. A word of caution though — not listing their relationship status could either mean they really DGAF or they are just wanting to "seem" single.

3. A picture is worth a thousands words. The obvious choice is to go through your beloved’s profile pictures as people usually choose their best-captured moments for those. If her profile picture is with a guy and they look a lil too close for comfort, that could be a warning flag but digging deeper could tell you otherwise. Be sure to go through everything,"‘photos of her," "albums," all of it — no rest for the weary.

4. Time for Twitter! While Facebook tends to be more mainstream, Twitter is where your object of affection’s true personality is revealed. To me, one’s tweets can signify a lot about them, and it’s also a good way to see what their interests are depending on who they’re following. Bonus points if they happen to be an avid Tweeter who updates their whereabouts — it’s a perfect way for you to stage casual run-ins.

5. "If I take pictures while you do your dance, I could make you famous on Instagram." To quote Jason Derulo, Instagram is a great way to ogle at your love’s attempt at being social media famous. It’s pretty much an unspoken rule that people tend to post Insta pics that will get tons of likes, so look forward to beach bikini/shirtless shots, #turntup pics and hipster attempts. Just beware not to accidentally ‘like’ any of the photos when you’re scrolling down as the last thing you would want is for your crush to get a notification that some stranger liked a photo from a year ago. #awks #thumbcontrol

6. Who’s that in the picture with him or her?! So, there’s always that one dude who has his arm over your chick or is basically in every picture — the right thing to do, is of course, stalk him too. Repeat steps 1 to 5 and look for any indication of a possible relationship. And if none are found, you just got to see more pictures of your desired. Win-win. Move to Step 6b if you realize the #bae is occupied.

6b. Recoil. Give up on that crush, find a new #bar (cause that’s easier than rejection, duh) and repeat from the beginning. #firstworldproblems

7. Consider actually talking to them IRL. You’ve done your sufficient stalking and you basically know the person inside and out, right? Now, toughen the fuck up and go talk to them! Social media stalking is all fun and games (actually it’s kinda cray, but we all do it, so it’s fine) but there’s real life outside of it, so YOLO and ask him or her out.

Art by Shawna Rabbas