7 Things Santa Claus Would Put on His 2015 Christmas List

Photo by Adham Elsharkawy Santa Claus represents all things Christmas. Red, white, beard, leather belt, a belly that shook like a bowl of jelly… say any of these words to any demographic and you’ll hear a hysterical “Santa!” come from every person's mouth. Christmas time is automatically associated with a jolly ol’ generous man who fits into most well-sized chimneys and leaves behind a trail of gifts in his wake.

A small part of every child genuinely believes that Santa Claus is real and not just a male family member who got the best costume rental deals. And hey, why shouldn’t we? we have it hard enough with the our shitty economy, poverty rate and, relentless thong wedgies. So if I want to believe that a fat man decked out in his best red will sneak into my house through a chimney and give me free stuff, then I’ll damn well leave some milk, cookies, and a stocking. Maybe even a thank you note, who knows.

With that said, we all love a nice nostalgic moment. We were taught to be generous and kind… because then we get presents from Santa. If you can avoid bitch-slapping that Brian kid who keeps swallowing your glue or accidentally pushing Rebecca off the swing she stole from you, you can extend your patience and generosity to thinking altruistically of Santa as well. He travels all that way to hit up your house every year. If we’ve been taught moral values successfully, we should naturally start thinking about the kind of things that Santa may love to have. You never know, he might just like to chill with a Grande Chestnut Praline and fit his sleigh with some Bose speakers.

Here's what we imagine Santa Claus' 2015 Christmas list looks like:

  • A portable microwave: Let’s be real, the milk and cookies are going to be cold by the time he slips down your chimney. He deserves some molten chocolate chips, goddammit. Also leave some towels in case the chocolate gets on his beard. That’s just good manners.
  • Fashion advice: I understand that Santa likes minimalism, but hey, it’s 2015. I’m sure he would lend a ear to what’s new in the fall line for red and white so he could look as sleigh as he can. Yes, sleigh. Maybe some new bling for his beard.
  • Global citizenship: Santa Claus is a citizen of Canada. That’s right, Canada called shotgun, complete with a zip code: H0H0H0. Canada believes the North Pole is within its jurisdiction. That’s actually a pretty boss move. But Santa seems more of a worldly man, don’t you think? I say we present him with universal citizenship. World 1, Canada 1.
  • Travel insurance: This seems like a given. He has the world’s most sleigh ride, I wouldn’t blame him if his reindeer were really feelin’ it one night and took it past 150 hooves per hour. And on that night, travel insurance, while incomprehensible, will ultimately bring you your Victoria’s Secret Scents safe and sound.
  • Climate change action: Guess what? The polar ice caps are melting. That’s right, old Santy’s home and workshop may very well melt into oblivion. And here we have a certain Schronald Schrump believing climate change is a Chinese tactic to limit U.S. competition. P.S. I believe you should shut yo nonsense and save Santa.
  • A Nae-Nae tutorial: What could arguably be the most defining moment of Christmas 2015. Just take a moment out of your day to imagine Santa and his beard whipping the living lights out his Nae-Nae. It’s more 2015 than your iPhone auto-correcting nae nae to bae bae.
  • The iPhone 6s: Because his 5s has a bunch of bugs. Screw you Apple. We know your games, and we're not playing.

There are a few simpler things that Santa would want, like festive socks or some damn snow in Syracuse already… but this is Jerk, and we think big picture here. Come Christmas time, we hope your fireplaces are burning, your stockings are stuffed tight, and your Christmas tree is lit. Because like it or not, Santa Claus is coming to town.