A Guide to College Characters
By Lauryn Botterman
A brief cross-section of the interesting characters you’ve probably encountered at your chosen institute of higher education.
The Clinger
This person seemed pretty chill for about the first two weeks of the semester, until you realized she would not leave you the fuck alone. You feel strangely obligated to continue to invite this person places, thereby enforcing a vicious cycle of parasitic friendship. You don’t have the heart to tell her to please learn the concept of personal space. She has your schedule memorized and will call you out on practically any excuse to not hang out—simultaneously creepy and obnoxious. Take this person in small doses whenever possible.
The Pothead
I’m talking about that kid who is literally always high. And if that person’s not high, he won’t shut up about how stoked he is to try out his new bong later. You’re pretty sure he’s majoring in Weed Appreciation with a minor in Being Stoned 24/7. No one has quite figured out how he manages to function as a semi-productive human being, but he seems to have some sort of system going on where his actual life and scholarly obligations minimally interfere with his smoking needs. Bloodshot eyes, perma-grin, constantly hungry—hopefully he’ll have a few brain cells left by the time he graduates.
Le Douchebag
He’s the cocky fratstar, the womanizer, the guy you want to punch in the face. He’s hot in an “I know you’re just gonna fuck me over” kind of way. You know the type: square jaw, piercing eyes, slight scruff, constantly sporting an overpriced polo and Sperry’s. He gets what he wants when he wants it. He’s also got a bigger ego than Kanye West and couldn’t give two shits if you hate him for it.
Regina George Incarnate
This is the girl who professes adamantly on the first day you meet her that she hates drama. Yet whenever there is drama, you can inevitably trace it back to her. You thought you were escaping cattiness and immaturity when you graduated high school? Wrong: she’s back and she has claws. She spreads gossip and STDs in equal ratios and is constantly on a power trip. Despite her fake, whiny, and shallow personality, guys fall for her—until they realize she’s actually just a psychotic bitch. Stay away, dramawhores, stay far away.
The Haughty Vegetarian
“How can I wedge the fact that I don’t eat meat into this conversation? It obviously makes me morally superior to everyone else.” This is the life motto of the Haughty Vegetarian. And it’s obnoxious as hell. Yes, we are aware that you don’t consume animal flesh for moral/health/personal reasons. You do not need to announce this fact at every meal. Enjoy your salad and quinoa; I’m about to scarf down a burger and I don’t want so much as a condescending sideward glance as I do so.
Your Awkward Past Hookups
You were content to leave memories of that one night stand in the bed where you did the deed. Nope. God has a different plan in mind. How lucky it is that on a campus of 20,000 people, you run into your handful of awkward past hookups regularly, at the least ideal moments and locations: in the elevator, on line for coffee—and of course you happen to be wearing your shittiest outfit every time you see them. You could try to be mature about it and give them a calm and casual greeting. But I say why not make it as uncomfortable as possible by mutually pretending not to see each other, avoiding eye contact at all costs? Problem averted.
That Guy Who Never Leaves His Room
Creeper status to the max. He emerges from his room approximately once every three weeks. He smells bad and his hair is super greasy. Does he communicate with other human beings? Jury’s still out on that one. What’s his name again? Jeff? Or John maybe? Whatever.
The Overachiever
She’s the editor-in-chief of the campus newspaper, has a 4.0, is the president of her sorority, has a successful startup company, and also finds the time for a boyfriend and a social life. What did you accomplish today? Took a nap and thought about going to the gym. Shit. At least overachievers serve as motivation to get your own life in order. You’ll never understand how they get it all done, but it’s pretty inspiring. These are the people you’ll be working for in a few years, so get on their good side now.