An Accurate Resume of Your College Accomplishments

It's that time of year again when people start asking where you’re working this summer, and you panic because you don't even know what you're doing for dinner tonight. As you go to edit and update your resume, you reflect on all qualities you possess that would potentially qualify you for employment, and you realize you don’t have many that are commendable in the “real world.” Everybody stretches the truth on resumes.

Sadly, many of our college accomplishments go neglected and are even hidden when it comes to the job search, but you might be surprised how applicable in the workforce some of these—let’s call them “soft skills”—really are. Waiting until the last minute for an assignment isn’t something to be ashamed of. It shows you know how to manage your time in a time-crunch. If college students were to be completely honest about their college experiences on their resumes, here is what your resume would look like.

Education

Syracuse University

Graduation Date: After I take a “post-grad hiatus” to backpack Europe on my parents’ money.

Major: Something I’m relatively interested in that vaguely relates to a profession I’d like to pursue.

GPA: A 3.44868, but a 3.6 if you round up the decimals a few times.

Honors, Awards, and Achievements

• 2014 Beer Olympics Champion, Team Cuba, never forget
• Faegan’s All Around the World Beer Challenge Winner, 2017

Skills and Expertise

• Ability to fully function on 2-3 hours of sleep over the course of 48 hours
• Dabbing, in both forms
• Bullshitting (in e-mails, essays, daily conversation, roommate arguments, etc.)
• Rallying from a darty or tailgate to go out that night
• Taking an L, and bouncing back

Coursework and Academics

• Hooked up with TA the night before the 8 a.m. recitation
• Successfully made up elaborate, yet believable excuses after skipping more than the permitted amount of unexcused absences
• Productively procrastinated an assignment until the day it was due, submitting it to TurnItIn at 11:59 p.m.
• Pulled an all-nighter to get a mediocre grade on an exam
• Attended class still drunk from the night before

Previous Experience

Persuasion

• Hitched rides to the bars from Jimmy Johns, Insomnia, Oishi, and GrubHub deliver guy
• Made a friend act “too drunk to walk home” to hitchhike home from the bars, occasionally with DPS
• Manipulated a one night stand into a romantic relationship by utilizing resources

Determination

• Stayed at the bar until closing time to find a bae for the night
• Received frostbite and/or windburn on arms and legs due to running in a bra and spandex to a frat’s themed party, which forbids one to be fully clothed despite how ever far below zero the temperature is
• Spent remainder of bank account at Flip Night trying to win free beer

Responsibility

• Co-owned a small pet to walk it around tailgates, play with it in Walnut Park on nice days, and use it to start conversations with strangers
• Pulled trig for a friend

Networking

• Accumulated a higher sex number than amount of required credits to graduate
• Able to find at least one common friend with every single person in the entire world: Omg you were at David Goldbergowitzenstein’s bar mitzvah too? He’s my camp friend’s dad’s cousin’s doctor’s nephew’s neighbor!

Budgeting

• Ate cereal for breakfast, lunch, and dinner while waiting for next month’s allowance because last month’s was spent on drugs, alcohol, and parking tickets
• Snuck into bars without paying cover on multiple occasions

Community Involvement

Greek Life

• Represented chapter’s presence on campus by dressing and acting identical to fellow members, while upholding name and reputation of given chapter by respecting and participating in values and traditions.

Beautification of Establishments

• Signed name all over Chuck’s walls, not excluding on top of an ex’s
• Maintained an ongoing conversation with a stranger via one of the cubicles or tables in Bird Library
• Fornicated in various areas on campus such as the Quad, the “kissing bench,” and both Whitman and Bird Library team rooms

Actually, on second thought, maybe I’ll stick to my original resume.