Guys Who Don’t Get It (And Guys Who Really Do)

when_harry_met_sally Sex is a give and take experience. A delicate balance that determines whether you and your partner both hit that final O note. Unfortunately, that give and take balance doesn’t always have perfect timing, and often one party ends up, well, happier than the other. Thanks to mother nature and the confusing folds and creases of the female body, it’s so much easier for guys to come first. Avoid wasting an entire night of shaving, applying make-up and flirting with a guy who doesn’t put in the time to make all that effort worth it. We don’t all have the stamina to pull a Sally in the diner (if you don’t know this reference educate yourself re: When Harry Met Sally).

The Cum and Done

A fatal brand of man. These are your frat stars, your jocks and most definitely your high school crushes. These guys have always been rewarded for remedial tasks such as catching a ball, shot-gunning a beer, then throwing a ball—the clitoris is a more complicated feat. What makes the Cum and Done man so dangerous is his pure ignorance towards anyone’s orgasm besides his own. It’s hard for him to focus on what that may look like because he’s busy thinking how bomb his arms look in this sick cut-off. Also the chicks always get off within the first 30 seconds in the fetish porn he watches on the reg so why would a real girl be any different?? The Cum and Done man has an understandably hard time trying to satisfy anyone who isn’t a fellow bro. Do your pussy a favor and avoid him (even though his arms did look great in that cut-off).

The O-ver Achiever

The O-ver Achievers come from a great place but will never make you cum. Unlike the Cum and Done man they are overtly self-aware of their lack of sexual experience. He probably didn’t lose his virginity until fairly recently to an overbearing ex-girlfriend, and he probably asked his mom for advice beforehand. These are your nerds, gamers and that smart kid who always raises his hand in class. One thing they all have in common is that they hate failure, which on the outside may seem like a great thing for hitting an O. But alas, studying for this test isn’t always easy, and practice makes perfect—something he doesn’t have much of. The most dangerous characteristic of the O-ver Achiever is his unwillingness to admit that it might just not be your night. Maybe he’s not doing great, and you try to divert his attention into something else because your vagina is just turning into a tired, underwhelmed flower. No matter how many times you tell him, “Don’t worry about it,” due to his outstanding GPA and high score on all gaming devices, he won’t believe you. All games can be won according to them. If you have the time, train him, but be warned, it will be tedious and incredibly uncomfortable. Save yourself the trouble, and the eventual faking of the finish, and curb the achiever early on (even though his gaming fingers show promise).

The O Appreciator

This is the jackpot. You’ve found the perfect balance of a sexually aware and well-practiced man. Not only does he care about your orgasm, but he also knows how to get the job done. These men can come in all shapes in sizes (they can even be found in previous mentioned stereotypes, a diamond in the rough) but they’re generally the art students, the guys that weren’t all that special in high school but suddenly became super hot, certain foreign men, and the guys who have had long–term relationships (they’ve already been trained). If you do come across an O Appreciator, hold him close between your legs because men like him are few and far-between. Savor the fact that he may not know how special he is and give thanks, but not so much to make him overconfident. Keep up the rouse that this is a totally normal sexual experience for you and that everyone is an O Appreciator. Then sit back and enjoy.