An Eye Toward the Sky

How I woke up to weather warfare

By Sally Waggoner

For a majority of the year, Syracuse is a frigid, depressing tundra. It’s utterly miserable, but like most people, I always simply assumed that natural meteorological forces produce Syracuse’s uniquely unpleasant climate.

But recently, insomnia found me leaning over my computer casting a dead stare at a laundry list of conspiracy theories. At 4:47 on a Tuesday morning, after about seven microwavable chimichangas (which induce their own peculiar type of intoxication), they seemed almost reasonable. One actually seemed downright…plausible. I choked on the remnants of bean-and-cheese product when I read this on a Web site:

“Since our educational system has been deliberately dumbed down…most people do not believe that man controls the weather. In this article, we will demonstrate the obvious worthlessness of this stagnate belief.” I read on, going from site to site. Basically, a secret soceity called the Illuminati purchased weather control technology from a man named Nikola Tesla about 100 years ago so they could incite World War III and thus facilitate the arrival and reign of the Antichrist.

OK, sweet. Makes sense. If the Illuminati control the elements, perhaps the perennially repulsive weather here in Syracuse is for some larger purpose.

Various Web sites agreed. Apparently, the Illuminati use weather control to deter mere humans from inhabiting certain key areas that they think will benefit their New World Order, which they’ll establish after they scratch two-thirds of the population off like a scab. I rubbed a muscle spasm in my right eye, clicked a link, and found a map with target areas marked in red. Syracuse gleamed like a burst abscess in the center of New York State.

So there I was, all hopped up on chimichangas, feeling threatened. It all made sense. Onondaga Lake would probably singe my hand should I be idiotic enough to reach into it. But that sounds preferable to being transformed into a human ice sculpture by an onslaught of freezing rain in May, or spending weeks trying not to bash my head on a cloud cover the color and consistency of cement. I just hope I’m out of here before DestinyUSA’s black steel skeleton is buried under luxury goods and the Illuminati really get greedy.