An Open Letter to Lazy Dressers

By Susanna Heller

Dear You (yes, You),

Before you begin reading, I want you to ask yourself a few questions: Are you in public? Did you put even the slightest effort into your outfit today? Are you proud of how you look?

If you answered “yes” to most of those, then this letter does not pertain to you. If you answered “no,” I have a few choice words for you.

There’s a special place in hell for people like you. When your yoga-pant-clad ass strolls into class 15 minutes late, I just want to come up to you and personally thank you for gracing us with your presence! How would I have ever gotten along if you hadn’t rolled up to class looking like a mess, as if you were doing us a favor? I don’t know you, but I know I don’t want to. Before you open your mouth, your clothing speaks volumes about your personality. And with an outfit like that I can tell that you have not only the looks, but also the personality of a sewer rat. You clearly woke up like this…homeless.

In an attempt to look effortlessly cute, you just look effortless. I’d give you an A for effort, but you haven’t earned it. Newsflash: outer beauty is everything. I don’t care how inwardly beautiful you are—you will get you nowhere if you look like Rumpelstiltskin. Thanks for dragging yourself to class with a raging hangover, but I think we’d all be having a better day if you were still in bed and I wasn’t distracted by such a glaring fashion eyesore. I’m no Tim Gunn, but you did not make this look work.

Out of genuine curiosity I’m wondering if you even tried. TBH, you look like you put negative effort into how you look. You did such a bad job of trying to make yourself look somewhat presentable that you negatively affected your appearance. And that supposedly ironic “Bad Hair Day” beanie isn’t fooling anyone. Spotted: you on the quad looking like a dumbass.

With finals less than a month away, I urge you to ditch your sweatpants and put on some real fucking clothes. Wake up: this is your life. When you dress like a slob you become a slob. Don’t think of Bird Library as a place where dignity goes to die, but instead as a runway. This campus is your runway. Studies show that if you dress for success on test day, it will ensue. And if that isn’t doing it for you, you really ought to get your priorities in line. After all, you’re no one until you’re featured on CollegeFashionista.

You know you love me.

Xoxo, qossip qurl