Athlete Accompaniments

I know what you're carrying in your jockstrap...

By Sean Sweeney

The recent suspension of NBA star Gilbert Arenas for bringing weapons into the Washington Wizards’ arena left me curious. I’m sure many other athletes have similar lapses in mental stability and would all sneak something shady in their mesh pockets if they could; it’s just a matter of what.

Clearly Arenas felt he needed his own protection and decided on intimidation tactics. Plaxico Burress would be right with him. But at least there would be no need to fear the 6’5’ Burress—his aim sucks.

Former NBA player Shawn Kemp and former NFLer Travis Henry would agree on what to bring. Condoms and lots of them, enough to outfit the entire state of Rhode Island. Why? Kemp was long known as the lone ranger, an NBA All-Star who fathered, at last count in 1998, seven children. He had yet to marry.

Henry decided he needed Kemp’s title of most successful gardener and didn’t stop until he had nine children, all with different women.

Both Kemp and Henry would obviously be interested in The Greasy Pole’s former star, the Russian pole-dancing phenom. But to them, her lackluster striptease act would net nary a tip. Ms. Russian pole-dancing phenom would need to invest in a drill and some screws to keep that pole from flipping over …again.

Another Greasy Pole favorite, Kobayashi, would probably run around all day clutching a George Foreman Grill. I can only imagine his pain, having to light that sucker up every three minutes for more hot dogs. Fat ass.

Everyone has got that special something that they just have to have. Athletes are no different. We just get to make fun of them.

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Sean Sweeney is a regular contributor to The Greasy Pole.