Bathroom Etiquette


BY: Aubrey S. I stumbled in a half-drunk, half hung-over state, rushing in to the bathroom unsure of how to use the toilet; there's a part of me that was confident I would pee my pants, and the other part assured me that the shitty dining hall food I had for dinner would make an appearance. A line of Cheetos were smeared around the perimeter of the bathroom, and I dodged the discarded chemical laden food and slid across the slick floor, trying not to eat shit. These obstacles were nothing to someone so desperate. When I finally reached the porcelain wonder, what awaited me threw me to my knees and left me at the mercy of the devil. The seat was covered in pee-- half dried and sticky. This was not the handy work of a girl; this deed was done by a very drunk, very disrespectful boy. I could move on if it didn't happen several times a week, and I refuse to believe that sharing bathrooms with guys means a lingering scent of pee and drunken regret.

However, this epidemic is a double-edged sword, so for you feminists that like to be included in everything, girls are to blame just as much as guys are. So, here’s a little lesson on same sex bathroom etiquette according to my floor:

  1. Do not dump your garbage in the tiny bathroom cans because you don’t want to walk five feet down the hallway. In fact, at our floor meeting, there was a request that the garbage can be returned to outside the bathrooms so they wouldn't have to walk as far. Proper Etiquette: walk that far.
  2. When a door is unlocked, don’t assume it’s open for business. What awaits you isn’t always an empty room. Proper Etiquette: knock.
  3. Please don’t leave a laundry basket filled with puke outside the bathrooms for several days. Proper Etiquette: There is none. Pack your bags because that’s actually inconceivable.
  4. Stop slamming doors and screaming about your drunken experiences. Alcohol poisoning is always good for a laugh if you make it out of the emergency room with enough brain cells to form a sentence. Proper Etiquette: Stop yelling.
  5. Remember the next step after going to the bathroom. “Your body is a wonderland” does not apply here. Proper Etiquette: Flush.
  6. Don’t continue leaving your hairs around; in the sink, in the showers, on the ground. And when I say hairs, use your imagination and use it freely. Proper Etiquette: Shave and discard.
  7. Please don’t ever say “show me your titties!”. Proper Etiquette: Show me yours.


So, although you had the phrase, “sharing is caring” pounded into your brain by an over enthusiastic pre-school teacher, give those three words some “me time” and keep your disgusting habits and weird fetishes to yourself.