Being a Syracuse Freshman This Semester Sucks
We all know being a freshman has always sucked. Whether it's being mooed at on the Quad or asking directions to everywhere from an academic building to a backlot, the first semester on campus creates many, many headaches – and we're not talking about the day-after-a-DJ's-fishbowl kind. But this year stands out as particularly subpar. @Classof2021, we feel for you. Here are all the things you should be sorry you missed out on.
1. "What's Chucks?"
With the demolishment of Cuse's favorite ~exclusive~ bar (and maker of the best mozz sticks and fried pickles), many freshmen have no idea what they don't have to look forward to. This means they will truly peak at the Dirty Deej's in a few weeks, even if they get sick of the creepy dudes grinding on them and making sure Brittany doesn't hookup with fuckboy Brad... again.
2. It is literally cold as balls
Two weeks into school and we're already shivering our asses off. Cue early onset freshman fifteen and digging out the frackets from our winter shelves. It's hard to have fun sans pants in 40 degree weather or doing that nippy 5 a.m. walk of shame from Walnut Park to BBB. Don't worry, we've all been there. Just not in September.
3. Uber but no Taco Bell?
After CNY decided to finally catch up with the times and give us Uber, the idiots totally ignored the Taco Bell feature without any explanation. Seriously… drunk and broke college students everywhere else in America survive on Taco Bell. And last time we checked, TB doesn't deliver to dorms (@GoodUncle, @GoPuff, @anywhitbitchlookingforacapstone).
4. Communal bathrooms
Believe it or not, there was a time when Syracuse dorms didn't have brand-new, private bathrooms. The freshman will never know what it's like to take a dump where everyone can hear or scurry down the hall in a towel just to hope that a shower is open. Communal bathrooms are a crucial stage of college life that you all missed out on.
5. RIP Funk 'N:
Perhaps the most devastating loss of them all, Funk ‘N Waffles brought together basic bitches and edgy hipsters over good-as-fuck flapjacks. Have fun getting downtown for a fix without a car. Sucks to suck, freshmen.
Class of 2021, you only have four years of school and one year of using the "I’m a freshman" excuse to get out of drunken messes or cringeworthy one-night stands. To that I say, carpe fucking diem. After all, the only thing worse than being a freshman is being a washed-up senior.