Buying Your First Vibrator: DOs and DON’Ts

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Design by Jena Salvatore Buying your first vibrator is a right of passage in the world of womanhood (and otherwise). You’re finally at that age where your finger is not enough, you’re curious about masturbation, or you’re just plain horny.

Buying a vibrator is exciting and important. Ample time and research must be done in order to prepare. Much like the wand in Harry Potter, the right vibrator chooses you. If you can’t honor your own orgasm, then who the hell can?

Given the importance of honoring your orgasm, here are some DOs and DON’Ts when it’s time to up the ante and experiment more freely with your sexuality.

  1. DON’T buy a vibrator that needs batteries.

WHY: Vibrators, especially the moderately priced ones, run out of fuel quickly. If you want to constantly be changing AAA batteries every couple of weeks, be our guest. Besides, those little fuckers always get lost under the bed or roll into a vent somewhere, never to be found again. Unless you’re a dad that grumbles over his electronics when they shit the bed, you don’t need batteries. Do yourself a favor and buy a chargeable vibrator that you only need to plug in every once in a while.

  1. DO charge it every day.

WHY: Plain and simple, you don’t want it to die in the middle of your self-love party. If you’re right about to reach orgasm, and that shit dies, you’re not going to be a happy camper.

  1. DO wash it after every use, even if you don’t insert it.

WHY: This is pretty much common sense unless you’re an unhygienic person. However, it still needs to be said. Even if you don’t insert it to get off, it has still been around your nether-regions and come in contact with your bodily fluids. Just for sanitary purposes, wash your fucking vibrator.

  1. DON’T spend more than $35.

WHY: You can find a chargeable vibrator that does its job without costing you an arm and a leg. Many more celebrated and popular vibrators like The Rabbit and The Shibari Mini Halo are under $40, and our sources tell us they love them. Otherwise, as long as it vibrates, you’re good.

  1. DO look into different settings.

WHY: If you want to experiment more, look into vibrators that come with more than just an “on” setting. Both of the vibrators mentioned above come with some variety of settings. There’s a “pulse” setting and multiple settings to amplify the speed and intensity of the vibration. With this, make sure you explore the settings beforehand, so that you’re not confused when it starts pulsing unexpectedly or vibrates so hard that it takes over your entire body and transports you to another dimension.

6: DON’T go to a novelty sex store.

WHY: The products at novelty sex stores are always more expensive and we’ve found that they aren’t that much better. You can find a suitable vibrator at the Spencer’s in your local mall (As ridiculous and quasi-murdery as Spencer’s is, they do have a selection.), or our favorite—good old Amazon Prime. If you’re worried about your parents seeing your purchases, create your own prime account with your student login, and voila, no questions asked about the 12-inch rotating rabbit vibrator that was just shipped.

  1. DO pick a good hiding spot.

WHY: In case your parents visit or you have company, you probably don’t want your phallic sex toy visibly on your bed. Just stick it in a drawer or put in under your bed, away from the eyes of your parents who raised you and think of you as their innocent snowflake. We at Jerk are all for owning your sexuality and being proud to display that all women masturbate, but you may want to air on the modest side in the case of company that aren’t as comfortable.

Ultimately, your first vibrator will stay with you forever, much like your first love or your first pet. When all is said and done, we at Jerk hope you ladies finally feel prepared to kick up your heels and honor your orgasm.