Day 4: Trump Signs Off Of Twitter


Screen Shot 2017-01-23 at 6.13.11 PM What happened to the good ole days when a kid could DM Donald Trump feigning international knowledge and receive an honest, offensive answer from the guy? In a disappointing turn of events, it seems as if a PR representative who is slightly less fiery than the President, himself, has taken over the @POTUS and @realDonaldTrump Twitter accounts, which many of us used as our source of entertainment for weeks, nay, years.

According to President Obama’s spy drones, the White House staff has provided Donald Trump with a private Twitter handle, accessible through a Blackberry with parental controls, from which he can post racist commentary and rants all he wants. Though no one can truly verify what this ‘fake Twitter’ (Fwitter, if you will) handle is, we have suspicions that it is something along the lines of: @FakeNews666 or @LargeHandsLarger****.

The change in Twitter ownership shook hundreds of shocked followers as they slowly came to the realization that Trump will from here on out be nothing more than a figurehead. “Trump has always been so honest to the American people,” said Trump voter Jedidiah Duggar. “I’m real disappointed that the White House is trying to censor him and make him more PC. Seriously, are we living in Nazi Germany, y’all?”

*Note: Trump also questioned if we are, indeed, living in Nazi Germany, before having his iPhone 7+ egregiously taken from him. See below tweet:


Over the weekend, prior to the Twitter takeover by the White House, women’s marches influenced a saddened and hurt Donald Trump to ask America: Why are you being so mean to me? He also posed a potential threat (see below) to celebrities, and Madonna, who attended the Women’s March in D.C. and, as you know, is notoriously stoic, was unimpressed.


This genuine tweet was quickly resolved with another @realDonaldTrump tweet that was very out of character for the real Donald Trump:


Censorship of Trump is something that may do some good in the long run, but no one is finished making fun of the new President. Shady, @DeptofDefense intern who runs the social accounts. Very shady.


Disclaimer: Much of this article is filled with "alternative facts." Thank you, KellyAnne Conway, the patron saint of fake news.