Dumpster Diving
How to dumpster dive for holiday presents
By Taylor Engler
If you check your bank account this month, you might notice the numbers appear smaller than they did in August. Now that you’ve spent a semester blowing your savings on booze, your holiday gift-giving capabilities probably look dismal. Since most people on your list are unlikely to accept a “My College Memories” scrapbook as a legitimate present, it’s time to get street-smart. Forget the malls this year and Dumpster dive for your holiday gifts.
Gear Up Start by pulling on some baggy sweats to protect your fresh threads from sketchy stains. Scuba goggles will save your eyes from any leftover, ahem, juices, while a headlamp helmet will free hands, brighten corners, and protect your head from falling lids. Finally, combat boots are key to kicking that stray rat’s ass.
Be a Tool Attach the following gadgets to a tool belt. 1: Vick’s VapoRub. Rup this potent decongestant on your upper lip to cover rank odors. 2: The claw. This plastic animal head-on-handle can be found at your local zoo in alligator, shark, and occasionally flamingo varieties. Use it to move items that threaten your hands. 3: High-end shopping bags. Place your trash in Bloomie’s bags for the walk home. You’ll look mall fresh and oh-so chic.
Uncover Treasure You know what they say: one man’s trash is another man’s gift for his mother — or something like that. You may be surprised what people throw away. Start with Dumpsters behind department stores, grocery stores, and neighborhood mansions. Check out a few until you find the one with the most lucrative litter.
Make an Appearance Presentation is everything when it comes to the gift of garbage. Make your trash-rescued clothes look brand new by discretely removing the price tags from a few items at a fancy store and reattaching them to your Dumpster discoveries. Then act embarrassed when your recipient sees how much you spent. Artfully arrange week-old fruit in a beautiful basket and nobody will notice the mold until you’re long gone. And don’t forget: disinfect to protect.