Fucking Politicians

Old guys have sex. Get over it.

By Kate Holloway

I wish I’d been around for the good ol’ days when “surrendering the tapes” meant recordings of conversations in the Oval Office implicating a crooked president undermining his opposition. But I get to tell my future grandchildren that I grew up when the media rammed sex tapes down the deep throats of the American public as Democrats and Republicans douched it out to see who could make headlines on TMZ. Woodward and Bernstein should be so proud.

From Senator John Edwards’ affair to New York’s 29th Congressional Representative Eric Massa tickling his male aides, it seems someone slipped Viagra in the water near Capitol Hill. And that was only some of the Democrats this year.

Spreading beyond the illustrious walls of our Nation’s Capitol, Governor Paterson in New York, who has admitted to his own extra-marital affairs in seedy chain hotels, has been accused of bullying his driver’s girlfriend into dropping domestic violence charges. What a champion of women’s rights he is.

At least Eliot pulled out gracefully and without all the mess. Goddamn. I wish I knew safe words for the rest of them.

Alright, so that’s only a handful Democrats. Expecting the party of Bill Clinton and JFK Jr. to be upstanding family men is—to put it mildly—naïve. But I bet those family men in the Republican Party never get caught with their pants down.

Ha! Unfortunately for the Grand Old (Key) Party, American political sexuality swings both ways.

Republican South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford said he was hiking the Appalachian Trail when he was really chasing tail in Argentina. Family Values chump California Assemblyman Mike Duvall resigned in September 2009 after someone videotaped him bragging about boning two female lobbyists. His words: “I’m getting into spanking her.” He was just being fatherly.

But the biggest scandal of all is how the media is fucking the American public, distracting us with sex so we don’t look at our real problems. We’ve been at war for eight years, students across the country are protesting in the streets against tuition hikes and the New York State budget negotiations are at a near standstill (I’d think the budget had been handcuffed to someone’s bed in Albany, but then we’d have heard more about it).

Media outlets are the biggest whores of all of them all, repeating Massa’s claims that Obama’s Chief of Staff Rahm Emmanuel approached him, naked, in the locker room to intimidate him into passing the health care reform bill. (Though seriously Massa, keep your fantasies to yourself and far away from health care reform.)

And while reporters are out covering Nevada Senator Jon Ensign’s affair with his friend’s wife, former mistresses can tie down those sex advice columns. We can even label the lovers of politicians “victims” of immoral men (though I make a clear distinction between those who chose to enter a relationship consensually and those who were harassed, raped, etc.—that shit’s not cool.) It’s really hard to find out if a public official is married. You might break a nail as you type his name into Google.

Let’s not pretend sex scandals in politics are a new phenomenon. Or that extramarital sex in any way negatively impacts a politician’s ability to pass legislation, represent a constituency, or kiss babies on the campaign trail. Thomas Jefferson had Sally Hemings and Ben Franklin had his prostitutes. They helped create an awesome living document known as the United States Constitution. Incompetency and scandalizing stupid political smokescreens (like sex, gasp!) are far more hurtful than the sex itself.

So let’s all shut up about who’s diddling whom in politics and leave pillow talk reporting for where it really belongs: Hollywood gossip blogs.

illustration by Amelia Bienstock