Gay Couples Shouldn't Have To Validate Their Commitments

By Nick Deyo

With the historic—and long overdue—legalization of same-sex marriage in New York state this summer, hordes of young gays now face the daunting question: “Is marriage for me?” Many have long assumed that true monogamy results in marriage, which now places pressure on gay couples to “validate” their long-term commitments. But legalization shouldn’t spur anyone to rush out and wed or conform to traditional standards of monogamy. Regardless of whom they love and lust after, more young people are choosing to reexamine what marriage truly is, and then reaffirm their own idea of what being in a committed partnership really means.

For some, marriage is the pinnacle of love and commitment, providing a couple safety and stability. It’s a sacrament that many are expected to take part in. For others, however—whether they're straight or gay—the idea of matrimony is as terrifying as “The Situation’s” 5-year plan.

Legalization in New York represents a long-fought battle, and while it is an undeniable victory, many remain on the fence about whether or not they even need marriage at all.

Monogamy and matrimony have become synonymous with one another when they shouldn’t be. Many of my straight female friends, for example, believe that the only way to nab a guy for good is to march him down the aisle. But with a new political sex scandal practically every week and a rising divorce rate, our culture’s tendency to tie monogamy to marriage could be part of the problem. In Mark Oppenhiemer’s New York Times article “Married With Infidelities,” acclaimed relationship columnist Dan Savage asserts that there is no “one-size-fits-all” approach to monogamy. He urges that every couple have an honest conversation about sexual exclusivity, and be open to the idea that love isn't dependent on sleeping with the same person all the time.

He suggests that every couple interpret monogamy differently. Couples should feel free to enter “monogamish” relationships wherein they acknowledge their commitment to each other while also accepting the occasional wandering eye or outside sexual encounter. As unsettling as this idea may seem to some, this more liberal view could encourage healthier and firmer relationships. As a man who likes men, I have gradually understood that it’s no use insisting that my partner wear blinders and have my name tattooed across his forehead. Relationships are built on trust and communication, not compulsion and discipline.

Ever the cautious optimist, I see monogamy as something to strive for in relationships, but not to expect. Legalization of same-sex marriage finally places gay couples on even footing with straight ones, but that doesn’t mean that I’ll start approaching every relationship with a Bergdorf Goodman wedding registry in mind. Love will always be love, regardless of whether you put a ring on it. If and when the day finally comes that I’m ready to say “I do,” you can bet that it will be because I’ve taken the long road to get there. My priority should be finding a man who honors, respects, and accepts me for who I am. The rest—wedding bells included—can wait.