Get Your Drunk Text On Before It's Too Late

heyy whsatre you doiung tonight?!7

The drunk text /drʌŋk tɛkst/ adj. noun.: – the most common form of communication on campus after midnight amongst sex-craved teenagers and twenty-somethings.

The Italians got it right with their proverb, “nel vino, la verita” (In wine, the truth) – I’ve found that after a Four Loko, the truth about where I want to spend a sleepless night is written all over my BlackBerry, whether it means getting signed into Haven, taking the last bus to South, or tripping into bushes trying to make my way down Euclid.

One minute you’re shot-gunning a few beers and suddenly it seems like a great idea to tell everyone exactly what you're thinking via text, including that guy or girl you’ve eyefucked in class all semester but were afraid to talk to. It seems that drunk texting has become its own language, one in which we're all fluent by the time we graduate. A separate dialect: texts sent from a touch screen phone.

While I personally think drunk texting is as much a part of our social lives as having a fake ID to get into Chuck’s, our cell phone providers are working hard to prevent this from happening. In the future, courtesy of LG, our cell phones will start coming equipped with a built-in breathalyzer, and thanks to Virgin Mobile, new programs set to restrict messages from being sent to certain numbers, like I even need to tell you who that might be, and even during pre-set times, seeing as somehow this notion of nothing good happening after 2 a.m. got around.

With drunk texting looking like it might become a thing of the past, all I have to say is, “LG, WTF ?!”

Drunk texting was created in order to get ourselves to the next party, and into the next pair of pants. Why the hell would I want to buy a phone hell-bent on limiting the notches on my bedpost? While we might shake our heads the morning after a drunk texting spree, at least we’ll be shaking them while lying in some one else’s bed, in clothes that definitely aren’t ours. I mean, how else are we going to know how we got there in the first place?

While I could be a responsible person and give you some tips on how to prevent drunk texting, or just tell you it’s all-together a bad idea, who am I kidding? Personally, I think that’s bullshit. You wouldn’t get laid as often as you do, and I don’t know about you, but I for one am not a fan of celibacy.

So when that checkmark appears, letting you know your sultry, slurred sext has been received, lean back and watch your hard work pay off. And if worse comes to worst, as my friend says, “Just delete them before you go to bed, and it’s like it never happened.” Now if only that would work with the hickies you’re going to have to hide during Parents Weekend.

Kaitlyn Monteiro is a regular contributor to Single-ish in Syracuse. Check it out on Thursdays & use her advice wisely as you head to the bars.