Here's What Your "Friends" Are Really Thinking When They Congratulate You on Your Summer Job
Sound familiar? Scratch that. Sound like the 95% of your Facebook newsfeed right now?
We all know that status. Or text, or phone call. Watching your peers announce that they’re “so incredibly stoked” about landing a summer internship (or worse, a full-time job) feels almost like Christmastime in May. You can avoid every department store at all costs and completely cut FM radio out of your life, but like it or not December 25th will come. So will these dreaded “announcements.”
The beauty of the job-hunting process lies in its ability to make us jobless folk despise everything and everyone around us, especially those who’ve miraculously stumbled upon success. While the recently hired drool over their soon-to-be entry-level positions, we’ll be stuck drooling on mommy and daddy's living room couch. Yes, we’ll have a full box of Oreo’s by our sides to relieve the pain, but at the end of the day we’ll still be poor and slightly overweight.
Of course, the jobless have too much pride to admit they’re currently bordering on insanity and on the brink of a complete mental breakdown. The only reasonable way to handle their questionable emotional status is to pretend like they’re actually happy for people who’ve found a job.
Here are the typical ways the jobless choose to say “congrats,” and what their reactions really mean.
"You're amazing! No one is more qualified or more deserving of this than you are."
Translation: "This may be the worst news I've ever heard and honestly I'm unsure you deserve the job in the slightest."
"Unbelievable! When do you start?"
Translation: "How long do I have to wallow in self pity before you shove this new job in my face via Snapchat every day?"
"Never been more proud of my bestie for landing her dream job in the city! Manhattan is lucky to have you."
Translation: "The fact that you accepted a job without consulting me first is literally so fucked."
"Wow! I didn't even know they were hiring... that's great!"
Translation: "That 100% should've been my job and nothing is more obvious."
"Remember me when you're famous!"
Translation: "If you find fame I'm shaving my head."
Translation: "I don't feel at all happy for you but somehow I feel inclined to say something."
"Good luck, you're going to kill it!"
Translation: "Unless I kill you first."
To those who've lost all faith in the job search (and in humanity), keep in mind you're obligatory status is well on the way. People get promoted, positions open, and before you know it you'll be the superstar bragging about your sweet new gig. Be patient, friends. We'll all hate you eventually.