How the Guys You Date in College Are Like the Shoes You Wore in Middle School

Photo by Adham Elsharkawi

Between middle school and college, change is inevitably going to come. Our tastes in music, fashion, and fast food all change over time… I hope.

It’s hard to even make a connection between the fine thing you see in the mirror today and that Jabba the Hutt-looking brace-faced creature masquerading as you in your seventh grade yearbook photo. PSA: this is based on my own experiences. I know I used to look like a cranberry muffin that got stepped on, but if you want to say that you were adorable in grade school, more power to ya. Confidence with a tender touch of denial is totally acceptable– unless you didn’t go through an awkward phase in middle school, in which case… I don’t believe you.

Truthfully, the only strong tie between our former and present selves is our mistakes. For example, the shoes we wore in middle school. As if there wasn’t enough happening between the blue eyeliner, slick-straight hair, and acne mountain range we had to complete the scene kid aesthetic from head to toe.

Now that we’re stylish norm-core college students, we have to make new mistakes. What are most of our mistakes? Men, obviously. Frat, athlete, artist… it doesn’t matter which stereotype. Mistakes will be made, and that’s the magic of college dating.

In order to avoid such mistakes, consider the similarities between the boys you've dated in college and the shoes you wore in middle school. Theorists suggest there is a direct link between the two, and that one can completely dodge a bad relationship by simply analyzing their past footwear choices. These choices correlate directly to the type of dude you're bound to hook-up with.

If you haven't figured it out yet, the theorist is me. Let me break it down for you.

Vans/Rocketdogs = Rebellious Skater

Holding onto your youth, you find the most immature skateboarder with half-shaved, half-long hair and piles of old PacSun t-shirts. He’s mainly into indie-alt rock, but for the mostly you have no idea what he’s ever talking about. He probably quotes Uncle Tito and thinks no one will notice. Extra points if he also roller blades to class.

Off-Brand Tennis Shoes = Preppy Frat Guy

Girl next door wants boy next door. Boy next door seems like an all-American classic on the outside, but when he gets sloppy, it shows. Girl next door gets sick of boy next door’s shit and realizes that he’s a dime a dozen. Girl next door buys stilettos and kicks boy next door in the balls (probably not, but wouldn’t that be great?) Violence is bad, but like, girl power.

Studded Oxfords = Stylish Egotist

He’s more fashionable than you are and he knows it. He subtly makes sure that everyone else knows it, too. Not even a tweed jacket and cashmere sweater combo can mask his snide remarks. If someone’s snooty, give them the boot-y. Well, not the booty. That’s the opposite of what I’m trying to say. I’m just trying to be punny and it’s not happening. Sorry.

Ed Hardy = Jersey Shore Leftover

The Jersey boy… Syracuse is crawling with them. Though the hardcore Jersey Shore lookalikes are a dwindling few, one of them will fist pump his way into your life. Gel is his weapon of choice when he “slays the ladies." He brags after complaining that the bagels here are a joke and pretends to be interested in exactly what part of Jersey you’re from.

Uggs = That Guy You Refuse to Admit You Hooked Up With

You weren’t thinking straight because it was too dark to see the light at the end of the tunnel. It's okay, or at least it's going to be. You needed comfort and you couldn’t tell what you were getting into. Blah Blah Blah. Let's be real, we've all worn Uggs and had hook ups we regret. That’s life. Let’s just admit it and move on, people.