How to Bullshit Your Way Through a Group Project
Everyone knows that group projects suck. Despite the lies we tell during interviews, no one actually works well with other people—especially when those people are randos in your finance class who you've never made eye contact with.
Let's be honest. You are a lazy piece of shit and usually wait to complete an assignment three hours before it's due even if it's worth 40% of your final grade. This becomes difficult when you have a group project (usually with a type-A psychopath). When other people rely on you to get your portion of the assignment done, it really fucks up your plan of not caring.
Some people (the type-A psychopaths) freak out if you don’t turn your portion in on time or if you skip your group meetings at the library. It's just like, chill. Wouldn’t it just be easier if you didn’t do anything and let them do it all? Totally eliminates all of the drama.
Here’s how to bullshit your way through a group project. When executed properly, you don’t have to do any of the work and your group members won't even realize.
Call all the shots.
Take control of your group from the start. Delegate the work out to other people and leave yourself with the easiest task. “Okay, Jessica, you calculate the space-time continuum. Jake, you build the rocket ship. And I guess I’ll be the one to ride the rocket to the Moon. It’s the only thing left to do.”
Get on everybody’s good side.
Be everyone’s BFF. Offer to buy them coffee or give them a ride home. People are less likely to hate someone who does nice things for them. “Abby didn’t do any work, but its okay. She's so nice and got me a donut from Dunkin!” It's literally impossible to give a bad group evaluation score to a girl who bought you a Boston Kreme.
Always agree with everyone.
Especially when they are shit-talking about another group member behind their back. “Can you believe Rachel didn’t complete her section of the project yet?” "Yeah I totally can’t believe her…we had, like, so long to do it. Ugh, so annoying." (You didn’t complete your portion either, but let's focus on Rachel.)
Pretend you know what you’re doing.
Let’s be real, you have no idea what the project is even about. You probably never even read the assignment directions, but that doesn’t matter. You want your peers to think you have this whole project figured out. When someone asks you a question about the assignment, confidently answer in a stern tone of voice (even though whatever you are saying is 100% wrong).
Honestly, I believe the that my group projects turn out better when I contribute absolutely nothing. I’m doing everyone a favor by bullshitting my way through these projects. Just ask my COM 117 group.