How to Hitchhike

By Talia Pollock With the shrinking economy comes frugality. Cue hitchhiking. Grab your shit because a bunch of old geezers in pickup trucks are just itching, some literally, for a hot piece of ass to ride shotgun. So get out there and work that thumb.

Look the Part It’s all about desperation. Practice your “help me” face — a cross between constipation and fright, which might actually be the same look. Ladies, you have an alternative: play the slut card. That’s right, flaunt a skimpy outfit and show some skin. If skank mode fails, tear that tank top and scruff up your booty shorts. Nobody can leave a dirty whore on the side of the road.

Study up Unless you’re going for spontaneity, you’ll want to strategize. Watch masters of the craft in Eurotrip and The Hitcher Be selective with your chauffeurs. You don’t want to get stuck with a babbling widow, a bossy CEO, or a bickering family of five. Ideally, you want to snag a trucker: satellite radio, McDonald’s pit stops, and the occasional joint. It’s like riding first class.

Barter In life, we give and take. The same applies to hitchhiking. If someone offers you a ride, you must return the favor — the shirt on your back, a song you wrote on your guitar, a dandelion you picked on your travels, or your body. If some stranger is nice enough to give your lazy ass a lift, you sure as hell ought to give them

Mark Your Territory Highways are rough because it’s hard to slow down and you may look like a hooker if you stand on a street corner. Rotaries are fun but scarce. Main streets prove inconvenient for drivers to stop and pick up a sexy straggler. Neighborhoods don’t get heavy traffic flow. Europe’s good because hitchhiking’s legal. In fact, go hitchhike in the motherland. That way, I won’t have to drive your broke ass around. Illustration by Monica Barron

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