How to Trick People Into Thinking You're Classy
Let’s be real. You don’t consider yourself a Renaissance man or woman. You’d rather sit in front of the TV for eight hours, binge watching old episodes of Criminal Minds, than do anything that requires brain activity.
The only literature you actually read is the instructions on the back of your microwave dinner, so unless Homer’s The Iliad is printed on a Lean Cuisine box, you're not interested. Truthfully, you are more than happy to live like this. But others (like your parents, your boss, or your significant other’s family) may not be as pleased about your lifestyle choices (and blatant lack of culture).
It's crucial to seem classy to impress the people in your life; not because you actually want to impress them, but just so they get off your back and you can sleep until three p.m. with no questions asked.
Here are some go-to vague statements about classy shit that will leave your mom saying, “I never thought this day would come. I am so proud of you.”
*swirls wine around in cup, slowly sips it*
“This is a full-bodied wine, nice and plush.”
“Very earthy tasting, I'm picking up a lot of rich flavors.”
“The 1965 Caymus Napa Valley Cabernet Sauvignon was a much better year than the 1964!”
“Mmmm, I’m detecting notes of strawberry and oak.”
*raises eyebrows and skeptically looks at painting*
“It’s evident that the artist’s emotions are reflected in the monochromatic paint tones.”
“The active composition keeps the viewer engaged in the subject matter.”
“Those quick brush strokes paired with the thickly applied paint really reflect the stylistic period.”
“Ugh, the Mona Lisa is so overrated. Have you seen Michelangelo’s David? It takes true talent to create that.”
*Resists the temptation to shotgun*
“The hoppiness paired with the bitterness offers a delight taste.”
“I’m a huge fan of both IPA’s and stouts!”
“It's not that I have a problem with Budweiser, but I prefer to drink locally brewed beer. It tastes more fresh and less main stream.”
“No, I don’t drink to get drunk. I just really like the taste of a well-crafted brew.”
*Puts on glasses and pretends to read The Wall Street Journal*
“Back when I started my 401k…”
“If you want I can give you the number of my financial advisor.”
“The stock market is down today. It doesn’t matter for me. Thank God I was smart enough to invest in Apple in the 80’s. I’m set for life!”
“You should really invest in stocks or real estate. It’s like investing in your future.”
Casually throw one of these statements into a conversation and people will think you’re cultured AF. No more getting stuck at the kids table for Thanksgiving. Aunt Cathy will definitely let you sit with the adults once she hears your thoughts on modern art.